A day in the life of a trans guy

Well I haven’t been writing for a long while, although the notes on my phone are crazy long lol. I just haven’t had the motivation or concentration to sit down and write, so I have lots to catch up on. That’s if I can make sense of some of the things I’ve noted down.

Yesterday marked 10 months since having had top surgery, it has gone crazy fast. I can barely keep up with myself. My scars are looking great and I’m just so happy with the results, areas of my chest still feel a bit numb but its slowly regaining sensation. I still have the occasional nipple twinge where I’m assuming the nerve endings are still growing, that is a super weird feeling.

I still feel quite self conscious when I’m out and about, I still feel like I need a hoody so I can hide my chest. I still feel like people are staring at me, that I don’t ‘pass’ well enough etc and I know that’s just my insecurities and gender dysphoria. I also think its down to the ridiculously high standard that is set for trans men to look a certain way and I certainly do not meet the criteria. The expectation is that all trans men are super buff, work out, have muscles and are super handsome. I am non of those things, I’m short with a chubby body and I don’t work out or have muscles. I am currently in the process of loosing a bit of weight to help with my self esteem, body image and my general physical wellbeing, but I will never be a gym bunny.

I will never look like a lot of trans activists out there, who all work hard and look amazing. But there’s not a lot of representation out there for different body types within the trans masc community and I am no where near brave enough to show my chubby body in all its chubby glory on social media, as I am not strong enough to handle any negative criticism, even though I know it may help others feel seen, right now its not something I can do. But hey maybe one day.

I also think the expectation that once you have surgery that the dysphoria will disappear, I think I was under the illusion that it wouldn’t be an issue anymore. I’ve spent so long not feeling comfortable in my skin, that its going to take a whole lot of self love to even being to love this body of mine. I am so grateful for my body, it keeps me alive but I still don’t love my body enough and I don’t even really know what that looks like, as I’ve spent so long neglecting my mind and body that true self love and acceptance is not something I’ve experienced before and not sure how it looks or how it feels. I feel like I’m only just starting to scratch the surface of this self love stuff, I’ve got so much I need to heal first but I’m still trying.

The 12 weekly testosterone shots are going well, I’m 2 years and 10 months on T now which again has gone crazy fast. Only feels like yesterday that I would have done anything to be on testosterone and now here I am nearly 3 years down the line. There where times where I thought I can’t wait, its taking too long, once I knew who I was finally, waiting for everything was absolute agony it was almost like a physical pain, it was unbearable. I am so glad I held on, things get better eventually.

I much prefer the 12 weekly shot to the 3 weekly as my hormones are more settled and I feel less chaotic, then on the 3 weekly shots. My next one is due on a couple of weeks and I’ve got to get my levels checked to see how my body is reacting to the longer lasting testosterone. My sex drive has only just settled down since my last injection lol, it sucks being single and stuck in lockdown by myself. The first few weeks after my shot I’m super hungry and just want to eat everything and I’m horny as hell too, which is so weird. Before testosterone I had very little sex drive, mainly due to being on the medications I’m on, but now its a different story lol! But unlike the crazy appetite which settles down, the high sex drive seems to last a good 9-10 weeks! But self pleasure is a good pain relief, which I can say is true as I’ve barely had to take any of my usual pain meds recently so its not just an old wives tale.

I recently joined a dating website, which feels so embarrassing to even say… that I just want the ground to swallow me up right now lol! Its called OkCupid, which is a LGBT friendly dating site and that was the main reason for joining that specific one. I decided to join as I’ve on dated one person in the last 7 years and that relationship was exactly long, it lasted all of 6 months and it was my first relationship out as a trans guy.

There’s a few downsides to the website, one being that I am shit and describing myself and bigging myself up or even making myself sound in the slightest bit interesting…so I’ve not had any likes yet lol and I’m too scared to message anyone first as I feel awkward as fuck and I’m so shit and inserting myself into other people’s orbit, as I feel like I’m being instantly annoying.. Shit if I could be invisible but still be seen that would be the best lol. So yeah I don’t think my profile is really anything special, it doesn’t really stand out from anyone else’s.

The second downside is that I keep being matched with lesbians… like WTF! Lesbians want to be with lesbians, they do not want to be with trans men, I mean that would make them bi/straight. So that’s pretty annoying, trying to sift through all these hot lesbians and I feel bad for swiping no, although I don’t think it tells you who rejects you which is good.

So yeah I’m trying to get myself out there but its so fucking hard when all I want to do is disappear because I don’t feel worthy enough to be taking up space on this earth. I’m desperate to be seen and heard but I also want to disappear which is such a confusing paradox. But a lot of it is I have no self worth, self love etc and like I said I wouldn’t even know what that feels like, looks like. I’m so used to feeling like this for most of my life, its hard to imagine ever feeling any different. Maybe one day. I’ve got a lot of trauma to work through.

I know I am a bit late but HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! Always live your truth, no matter how hard your light will eventually shine and you can be a beacon of hope for others out there.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a Trans guy

Time is flying by super fast, I am now 2 years and 8 months on testosterone and 8 month post op top surgery. It feels like I spent an eternity waiting and waiting to start testosterone and have top surgery and now that’s all a reality, which sometimes still feels unreal but I feel so blessed and so grateful that I’ve been able to be living my life as my true self.

I’ve spent so much of my life not liking myself, especially certain parts of my body, its hard to start loving myself again. It’s all a continuous journey and I’m trying to love my body again, after all it’s served me well over the last 35 years, it doesn’t work as well as it could do, but I am still alive, despite the years I’ve spent not looking after my body.

Unfortunately because of the current pandemic the appointment for my second yes for lower surgery has been delayed, which is super frustrating as I am becoming more aware of the dysphoria I have around that area. But I am trying to remain grateful for where I am right now in my transition, as the dysphoria I experienced around my chest was just unbearable and made life so miserable. I was so self conscious of my body all the time, I couldn’t relax or even be myself.

I’m still trying to find my authentic self, who I truly am on the inside, still trying to keep on speaking my truth but some days its so hard. I struggle to connect with my emotions, I’m always worried about being myself as that hasn’t won me friends in the past but I can’t blame that all on myself. I know I’m not perfect but I’m not a bad person, I always try my best but for some its not good enough. I think because of this I struggle to connect with myself and feel my emotions as I’ve been conditioned to think that my emotions are bad because they can be intense at times. Unlearning all that is really hard, especially at the moment with the social isolation and the strange situation we’re all in.

Well that’s it for now,

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy

Where do I even start, I’ve been really struggling with this lockdown in many ways but gender dysphoria has been difficult, as I’ve got more time to sit around thinking about it and also certain experiences I’ve had hasn’t helped.

I’ve been out as male for a little over 5 years, I’m 2.7 years on testosterone and 7 months post op top surgery and I still feel like I am viewed as female, not only by strangers but also by friends who knew me pre transition.

Last week I was out walking the dogs and a creepy older guy stopped ahead of me and I think he did that on purpose so he could talk to me, he then continued to refer to me as my dogs mum. I was wearing jeans, hoodie, baseball cap and boots. I don’t think that in anyway did I look female. It really made me angry and sad, I know I’m only 5ft 3 but I don’t think I look like a female. I don’t know… It really fucking sucks.

Also in my mums infinite wisdom (although it came from a good place) made a family group whatsapp group and they decided to share pictures of each other when we were young. Which I wouldn’t usually mind but it wasn’t in my control and my transition isn’t even acknowledged or even talked about. It’s just ignored like its not even happening. Which makes me feel invisible, like I don’t even exist as myself. It only took a week for my brother to push my buttons and piss me off so I left the group. He’s exactly why I’ve not spoken to him for over a year, he’s such a prick!

Then a well meaning friend added me to an all girl group chat for a group video call. I left that group and messaged her to say that I’m not a girl and wouldn’t feel comfortable and her reply was I was the only boy invited but she understood. Which it really doesn’t feel like it, otherwise I wouldn’t have been invited in the first place.

I’m so sick of being invited to girly things and being tagged in stuff especially for woman etc, every time it happens it breaks a small part of me inside. I feel like I’m still being viewed as female and it fucking sucks! I am not female and I never was!

Not being seen as myself is so fucking invalidating, it makes me feel like the me I know I am doesn’t exist as people just aren’t willing to see it. I don’t think people realise how painful it is, even if something is well meant.

Like I said lockdown has been rough, being sat with my own thoughts is hard. I’ve been struggling with gender dysphoria, which I thought would go away, after top surgery.

For so long I was so focused of getting top surgery, I didn’t really have huge lower dysphoria although I knew I wanted lower surgery. But now that focus has shifted from top surgery, I’ve realised I have lower dysphoria, I don’t hate my female parts but I don’t connect with it and I think it is starting to cause a bit of unconscious distress.

The more I think about it all the more I want surgery, so I can just move forward with my life and hopefully it will help me feel complete. But my appointment for my second yes for lower surgery is obviously postponed at the moment due to the virus, which is frustrating.

I hope one day I’ll be seen as myself and I’ll feel comfortable in my skin.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – Gender Dysphoria

I’ve noticed recently that I go through periods of taking selfies and then long periods of not taking selfies and focusing more on taking pictures of stuff around me.

I love taking pictures so much, looking at life through a lens. It helps me remember what I’ve done and where I’ve been, I just love pictures.

Looking back through my pictures of Facebook, I have loads of pictures of myself, being ridiculous and making stupid faces and just generally being silly! lol.

But since starting testosterone I have less pictures of myself and I think a part of that is still not being happy with my reflection and still not having a connection to the person in the mirror. Which is weird, I would have thought that testosterone and top surgery would lesson that disconnection between myself and my reflection.

Maybe its something that will take time, I’m still learning about myself, who I am, where I fit etc so maybe it just takes time to fuse myself and my reflection.

I’ve spent so many years hating my body, hating how I look. It’s no wonder I don’t recognise/like my reflection. I’ve never felt connected with my reflection, I’ve never felt a connection with myself.

Maybe I need to spend a bit more time looking at myself, so I can learn to love the person looking back.

I think sometimes there’s a lot of expectations put on the physical transition side of things and I’ve just kinda hoped that testosterone and top surgery would just ‘fix’ the low self esteem and gender dysphoria.

Whilst it has definitely improved the dysphoria it hasn’t ‘cured’ it so to speak, I think that comes from learning to love myself and the body I have.

Like I mentioned I’ve spent so many years hating my body, ever since female puberty hit. I hated how my body changed and I hated feeling like I was the only one that didn’t like my body. It was a really lonely time, I felt so odd and just I don’t know its really hard to explain.

I think having a chronic illness has also impacted on the lack of love I have for my body. Because I’ve been ill from such a young age, I felt like I was robbed of the life I wanted and I resented my body for that. I have found peace with that to a degree but I do still struggle with it a bit.

I need to start celebrating my body more, after all it’s got me this far. My body is amazing, I need to start feeling more comfortable in my skin.

It won’t change overnight, but I think it is something I can change and I want to change.

I’m 6 months post op top surgery this week and it still hasn’t sunk in, I am that detached from myself, it’s almost like I know in my brain that I’ve had the surgery and I can see my scars. But I’m still not emotionally connected with it.

For the first few weeks after surgery I felt euphoric on and off but that soon disappeared. I want to feel that again, as that felt amazing.

I have so much self work to still do, so much to unpick and untangle. I’m slowly getting there and I think in the last year I’ve made more progress that I have done in the last 10 years. Which feels a bit overwhelming but also feels good.

I’ll get there eventually, I just need to stop rushing the process and thinking I should be further along that I am.

I am perfect and exactly where I am meant to be.

Peace out

Zak

Disassociation and other stuff

I’m not sure this post will make much sense, or even have a point lol. But I just need to write things out and hopefully help sort through the mass of thoughts that race through my brain every second of every day.

I’m going to try and make sense of everything, by sorting through things bit by bit.

I’ll start with an update about my weird breath holding thing… basically I’m still doing it and its still frustrating. Nothing works so I’m just trying to ignore it as trying to fix it makes it worse.

I do it the most when I’m feeling tense, which at the moment seems like a lot. I find myself sat on the sofa scrunched up, my whole body is tense and I’m just unable to move, unable to get out of my head. I can sit like that for hours, which I know is disassociation but in a different form then what I’ve experienced before.

This disassociation feels more like an internal struggle, I’d much rather feel all floaty and out of my body, as I feel weightless. But this is so intense and physically hurts my whole body and I feel like I have no control.

When I become aware of how I’m so tense and scrunched up, I try my best to relax my body but I feel so achy after, its hard to get away from this internal struggle.

I also keep getting stuck endlessly and mindlessly scrolling through social media, again feeling really tense and again with chunks of time passing by.

It feels like apart of my brain has just switched off and gone to sleep, which is a simple way to describe what disassociation is. It’s your brains way of protecting you, which in itself in super interesting. But I feel that there is still a small part of my brain that’s awake and shouting to wake the rest of my brain up, which is causing this internal struggle. Because even though I’ve disassociated, my brain hasn’t entirely shut off, so I have an awareness but I’m unable to do anything. I feel like I’m trapped inside my body, its really weird.

I can be sat down, all scrunched up know I need to get up and move because I have stuff to do and but I just cannot move, I’m glued in place. The small voice just isn’t loud enough to wake my brain up, but I can still hear it shouting at me. Which makes me feel even more tense and frustrated because I’m not in control, I cannot make myself move until my brain wakes up again.

I don’t really know if this will change, maybe it means I’m slowing healing the parts of me that needed to disassociate, maybe it doesn’t, I’m not sure.

Hopefully in time, this will improve or at least I’ll go back to fully disassociating.

I’m feeling more tense this week for a few reasons, I’ve come off trazadone, as I felt I no longer needed it, I’m sleeping better and despite everything I’ve just described I’m feeling better too. But the withdrawals of trazadone can make you feel more agitated and I think that’s really hit me this week. Also two weeks ago I had a pretty big hit of testosterone, due to switching over from Sustanon to Nebido and the loading process means having both shots at once! So I think again such a big dose of hormones has really hit this week. I’m sure in time these will both wear off and I’ll start feeling a bit more relaxed.

I’m still struggling to feel connected to myself, which goes back to the disassociation, but also apart of the gender dysphoria as well.

I think when I took a step back from people in my life and took stock of everything, I took a step back from myself and forgot to step back in again.

I feel a bit out of place, a bit out of sorts and just a bit weird. I’m slowly working towards getting back to myself. But I think I’ve always had this disconnect with myself, the gap feels bigger then before.

Talking about this subject in counselling is helping me understand it a bit more, which has been helpful. This week I learnt that my high tolerance to medications could be linked to the disassociation which is really interesting. Even CBD oil, does nothing for me, natural remedies don’t work for me and I’m really resistant to most medications. When I started taking tramadol, I don’t ever remember it making me feel high, like how it makes most people feel. This is definitely something I want to look more into, as its fascinating and I want to be able to react to meds like everyone else does. I also know a high tolerance to medications is also linked to hypermobility as well, which I have. I just want to try and understand my brain better and why it does what it does and if I can help myself in anyway.

I always knew my brain was wired differently to most, but never knew why. I’m still really non the wiser about why I disassociate, as its usually a result of trauma. I’ve not experienced your usual traumatic events like sexual abuse, violence etc. But then my life hasn’t been simple easy, I became ill when I was 6/7 years old, family life wasn’t always easy, my parents divorce was pretty messy but these are the only things I really remember.

My memories aren’t in order and there are huge chunks missing, which again a sign of traumatic event. Maybe it was just a culmination of events throughout my early childhood/teenage years rather then 1 significant event. Sometimes not being able to remember things is frustrating but I know its my brains way of protecting me from bad things.

This week my memory has been awful, its much worse when I’m feeling stressed/tense. It effects my short term memory, I can forget when happened a few hours ago, which is super annoying. If I’m feeling more calm and relaxed my short term memory is better, I have much better recall.

I struggle with routine, I have non negotiable things I do every day, like take my meds, housework, eating, taking the dogs out. Things I need to do to get by. But beyond that I have no interest in the 9-5pm life. Partly because my body doesn’t work that way, my brain certainly doesn’t either. I cannot stand early mornings, I need quiet time to wake up and adjust to the day. My brain certainly takes its time to wake up, its much more active in the evening, early hours of the morning. I like my freedom to do what I need/want to do in order to feel good and take care of my mental and physical health.

I know I have a lot to give this world yet, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Maybe as the year goes on, that will become clearer to me.

I need to keep writing, I keep saying this but I always hold myself back.. Don’t know why I do it.

I can feel myself switching off, running out of focus. So I shall sign off for now.

Hopefully this sheds some light on well me and how I function, which could be useful for those in my life and help them understand me more and maybe it rings a bell with whoever else is reading this.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a Trans guy – Hysteroscopy

I wouldn’t usually put a trigger warning on my blog, but this blog in particular could be triggering as it mentions a procedure in a private area and those with gender dysphoria may find it hard to read. Having said that I am writing this to raise awareness of this particular procedure and its process and why it maybe done during transition from female to male.

This goes back to July, where I was sent a letter from the Gender clinic and my GP got the same letter to arrange a ultrasound scan of my uterus. Which is standard procedure once you are 2 years on testosterone. My GP organised the ultrasound scan for me, which was at my local hospital.

I’ve had ultrasound scans before so I knew what the expect. I had to drink loads of water before my appointment, I got called into my appointment and they put gel on my stomach and tried to scan me but as it was in the morning, I needed to drink more. So I went back into the waiting room and drank MORE water until I felt like I needed to pee and then they called me in and tried again, more cold gel on my belly and she pushed the scanner thing into my stomach, to take a look at my uterus. Which was really uncomfortable, especially when you really need to pee! She cleaned off my belly and there was a toilet in the room, so I went for a pee straight away! and man what a relief!

While I was waiting for the results, I tried to google why a trans guy on testosterone would need a ultrasound scan but I couldn’t find anything. Which is why I am writing this blog, to help educate others with my experience.

It didn’t take too long to get the results but the letter said that the lining of my uterus was too thick and it shouldn’t be. That really was all the information that was in the letter. They booked me an appointment with the gynaecologist and I went to that appointment on Friday.

Turns out I was extremely unprepared for this appointment and wasn’t fully aware of what they were going to do. That was partly my fault for not reading the information letter properly, but also I was probably just trying to block it out, not think about it as I have little connection to that part of my body. Although I was kinda good I wasn’t aware of what was going to happen at this appointment, as I didn’t have time to get anxious.

It was an early morning appointment, I only got up an hour before my appointment, so I washed my face and put some clothes on and ate a chocolate bar for breakfast lol and walked up to the hospital.

When I got there the Doc was already at reception and asked if I was there, even though I wasn’t late. As soon as they saw me they said ah this must be him and they made sure my details were up to date and the Doc took me into the room.

He had a male student nurse in the room with him, which I didn’t mind. My local hospital is a teaching hospital, so there’s always students knocking around. We briefly discussed my transition, how long I’ve been on testosterone for, how long I’ve been on the contraceptive pill for etc. He did say to me I could be fitted with the coil instead, which I fused as I’ve had friends who have had issues with bleeding and their mental health whilst having the coil and I don’t have any bleeding on the pill so I do not want to change that as periods are something I do not want! and cannot cope with.

He explained that all the hormones I’m on should have thinned the lining of my uterus, so they needed to do a hysteroscopy to take a sample of the lining to test and make sure everything is as it should be.

Now I cannot fault the Doctor or the nurses, they were amazing! They all gendered me correctly and just couldn’t have been nicer.

TRIGGER WARNING – Description of the procedure.

The Doc took me into another room, where two nurses were getting everything ready. I had to take off my shoes, jeans and boxers and loosely wrapped a sheet around me. The nurse helped me get up onto the bed and get comfy, had my legs up in those stirrups with the sheet covering my modesty while they set everything up.

The Doctor stared by inserting a speculum into me, which I’ve had done before for a smear test, so that wasn’t too bad. The Doctor talked me through what he was doing as he was doing it.

He then put a camera inside me, which I could see on the screen next to me, which was kinda cool. But it was extremely painful, he had a good look around my uterus and took pictures. He said it was painful due to the testosterone having made my uterus tight and constricted. They kept saying they could stop, but I didn’t want them too as I didn’t want to have to come back again. The camera process felt like forever! but they were all talking to me, asking me questions, trying to keep me relaxed.

I don’t quite know what he did to take a sample of the lining but it felt really pinchy and like really bad cramps. The whole thing was extremely painful and I’m pretty good with pain but this was almost unbearable.

The Doctor left the room so I could sort myself out, the nurses were clearing things away. One nurse gave me some paracetamol and a drink of water and the other nurse was talking to me about the Joker film and the new Harley Quinn film, which was cool.

I stayed sitting down for about 10 mins because my stomach hurt so much. I went behind the curtains to clean myself up and the nurse gave me this super thick sanitary pad to wear, as she said I would have some bleeding after. Wearing a pad and boxers don’t really go but wasn’t overly uncomfortable. She told me to take a few home with my just in case.

I went back into see the Doctor and said I wasn’t talking to him lol! and he laughed and apologised for it hurting so much. He didn’t really explain the negative possibilities of what the problem could be, he just said that it’s more then likely nothing and he’ll book me an appointment for 12 months. Which still leaves me in the dark as to what potentially the problem could be and as I’ve said there’s no information surrounding this particular situation relating the trans men.

I walked home, as I had light jeans on and I felt self conscious so I didn’t want to sit on the bus and potentially bleed through my jeans. Plus my stomach was hurting so much, I just wanted to get home.

When I got in I fully reclined the sofa, grabbed a pillow, put on my black joggy bottoms and pj top. Grabbed some snacks and a drink and curled up on the sofa with my blanket and Netflix.

I couldn’t move for a while without it hurting, I was curled in ball for hours. I fell asleep for a bit. Eventually the pain eased enough I could stretch out a bit, but I stayed relaxing on the sofa for most of the day.

Not only was I dealing with the physical effects of the procedure, but the mental side effects of having something done in a area of my body that almost feels like something completely separate, its hard to explain what I mean. But the whole experience wiped me out for the day.

Luckily I only bled for a few hours and by the evening it had stopped completely. But my stomach felt really tender all day and still feels a bit tender now a few days on.

I’m not sure how long it takes for the results to come through, but I will keep you all posted with the results.

I wish I had been a little more prepared before this procedure, as I would have done things a little differently.

Here are some tips for having this procedure, I would take a trusted friend, partner, member of family with you and have them in the room if you feel comfortable with that. Have someone drive you home and look after you for the rest of the day. Even though I couldn’t do much after, it would have been nice to have someone with me for that emotional support, even if it just was hanging out and relaxing. Make sure you have in snacks and easy to make foods, hotwater bottle, pain relief. Luckily I already had some snacks and pain relief in.

I hope this has been helpful to those who are going through the same stage in their transition.

If this has triggered you, please reach out of help, don’t suffer alone.

Please feel free to share this blog, to raise awareness within the trans community. I know these things aren’t an easy subject but its something we need to talk about, so we know we aren’t alone.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a Trans guy

Today was my testosterone shot day! which is always something I look forward too. I had spoken with my GP a few weeks ago about changing over from Sustanon to Nebido injections.

I started on Sustanon two years and 5 months ago, having 3 weekly injections. I did try doing to injections myself for a bit but I couldn’t get over the anxiety of doing it myself as it really bloody hurt!

I decided I wanted to change over to Nebido as they are 12 weekly injections, which means roughly 4 injections a year, rather then every 3 weeks.

Thankfully when I turned up to my appointment today, they had sorted the prescription for the Nebido and I was ready to go!

There is a loading stage you have to go through in order to change from one injection to the other. So this afternoon I had Sustanon and Nebido jabbed into my butt muscles! The Nebido injection hurt way more then Sustanon but I am definitely cool with a bit more pain if it means less injections.

I hope it doesn’t cause any drastic changes in my mood, that is my only concern but I’ve managed well on the 3 weekly injections so fingers crossed everything will go smoothly.

I’ll keep you all updated with the change over.

Peace out

Zak

Finding myself

Over the last few weeks I’ve started to realise that I’ve lost myself, lost my sense of who I am over the last few years. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I’ve not been living or speaking my truth.

I think it started when I was 30, I felt like now I’m 30 I need to be a proper grown up, I need to look more grown up and act more grown up. Its the unwritten rules of society that puts this pressure on us and we all end up these perfect cookie cut outs of what we think we should be.

What the fuck is a proper grown up anywhere? what does that even look like? Non of us have the answers, non of us are perfect and were all just trying to get by. So when we stop living in our truth we lose are spark, we lose ourselves.

I also think coming out as trans made me lose my sense of self, because again I was trying to fit in. Especially when starting testosterone and starting to look more male and starting to “pass” as male more often. Again I was trying to fit in with what I thought a guy should look like and I had a image of what I thought I should be. It’s such a confusing time, with new hormones, second puberty, wishing surgery would hurry up. It’s easy to lose who you are.

It got to the point that last year I even stopped blogging how I truly felt, that was mainly down to a particular situation but I mean that’s so fucked up! I held myself back, I stopped speaking my truth. I held so much bullshit inside and now its starting to flow out and feels amazing!

I started wearing straight cut jeans instead of my beloved baggy jeans, I stopped wearing my batman t-shirts and opted for brand named t-shirts. I was trying to look more “grown up” and to fit in with what I thought I should look like. It was a slow change but it wasn’t necessarily a good change. What we wear and how we have our hair is how we visually express ourselves and its important part of self expression. When we stop being authentic, we just blend in, we become invisible.

I got caught up in what I thought people needed me to be, wanted me to be. So again I kept changing, changing to fit in. Most of those people I changed for are currently no longer in my life, so you can change for another person and they leave anyway, so why not be authentic? maybe that’s the way to keep people? I’m not sure, I’ve never had many long lasting friendships or relationships. Maybe its just me, I don’t know, but I do know I can’t keep living for other people and being what other people need me to be.

Last week I bought myself some awesome new baggy jeans and I absolutely love them! I’m going to buy myself another pair in a different colour. I feel so great wearing them, it feels like a step towards myself. Today I bought myself a cool new long sleeved top and I can’t wait to wear it.

But living my truth doesn’t just mean what I wear, it also means about speaking my truth. I’ve spent a lot of time holding stuff in because it would be too uncomfortable or difficult to speak out or it would be hurtful/uncomfortable for the other person. But again in doing that it builds up anger and resentment towards those people, but it also allows toxic, energy sucking situations to continue unchecked. I think I kept stuff in because I didn’t want to offend/hurt people because I was scared to lose people. But sometimes losing people is a good thing because it helps you find the right friends. Speaking out also shows the other person what things you are willing to put up with and things your not. Which protects your energies and gives you good boundaries with the people around you.

I have started speaking my truth and telling people how I feel, which isn’t easy or comfortable but the relief of speaking out feels great. The big ball of emotions and darkness that I have inside feel like its slowly getting smaller with every time I speak and live my truth.

I hope at some point I will feel free inside, free of all the darkness and free from the feeling that I’m just trapped in a glass bowl looking at life but its always just out of reach. Maybe some point I will feel apart of life again, with more meaningful connections with people, myself and hopefully I’ll be living a life with more meaning.

I’m over being what people want me to be, I am over trying to fit in, I am over keeping quiet, I am just over this bullshit! I am so ready for a new start, I am ready to find my shine again, I am ready to find my tribe! I am ready for whatever comes my way!

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – Swimming!

On Friday I went swimming for the first time in like 6/7 years and the first time since top surgery. I felt super anxious beforehand, not just because its the first time swimming in just swim shorts but also because I was self conscious about doughy, flabby body. So the thought of walking into the swimming pool in just shorts with no t-shirt to hide behind was pretty terrifying. But I was with a friend and the pool was pretty quiet and I did it!

The swimming pool we went to was so cool, I used to go all the time as a kid. They have unisex changing rooms and family changing rooms and they always have. And that’s part of the reason I chose to go to the particular pool. They also have a slide, rapids and a jacuzzi which is awesome.

We got changed and I actually didn’t feel as self conscious as I thought I would. I was more excited about swimming to worry about how I felt and I think going with a trusted friend helped a lot.

As soon as I got in the water I felt at home, I love the water so so much.

At first I kinda forgot how to swim, I was splashing about like a fish! But I soon got the hang of it again and it was like I’d been swimming for ages. I love swimming so so much and its something I’ve really missed doing. If my local pool wasn’t so freezing I’d probably go more often. We had fun swimming and splashing about, going on the slide and the rapids.

I could have stayed in there all day, I love being in the water so much. I can’t wait for the summer so I can go swim in the sea with my dog Scrappy.

Swimming for the first time since top surgery and since starting my transition was a huge moment for me and one I won’t forget. It felt so nice to be just in shorts and to feel the water all over my skin, plus I got to show off my awesome back tattoo.

Trying on my swim shorts!

I’m sure I’ll be swimming again soon

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – 10 weeks post op

This Tuesday was my 10 weeks post op, it still seems surreal but it feels so right. Its so hard to explain how it feels to finally have had top surgery, after having spent so many years feeling so uncomfortable with my body, I no longer feel as self conscious about my chest area when I’m out.

I’m still occasionally getting misgendered when I’m out and every time it happens it just feels like another chunk taken from my already low self confidence. I don’t know if its because I’m only 5ft 3 or if its my voice or what, but its soul destroying. Very occasionally I’ll correct someone, but most of the time it just knocks my confidence I just don’t say anything.

Healing side of things is going well, the scars are looking good. I haven’t been covering them with the micropore tape, I am meant to be covering them 4 days a week, just to help them heal and keep them strong. I think I’ve just been enjoying not having to wear a binder, I didn’t really want to wear the tape but I put it over my scars today and I will try and remember to put the micropore tape on my scars at least a few days a week.

The puffiness on the right side is going down slowly, its not as puffy as it was. I still have loads of areas around my chest which are still numb and I’ve been trying to touch those areas every day to wake it up. My skin isn’t as hypersensitive as it was, still sensitive but I can touch my skin without it making me feel weird lol.

I’m still struggling with post surgery blues and anxiety. Everyday is different, some days I feel ok and I’m doing fine but other days all I want to do it just hide away in my flat. Tomorrow morning I meet my (hopefully) new counsellor, just to see if we gel and talk about what I want from the sessions etc. I feel like I’m going to get more from private counselling then the mental health team.

I’m doing my best to take responsibility of my journey and moving forward and just my life. Its super hard and exhausting and I’m trying not to beat myself up too much about not being where I think I should be in life and just trying to remember I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

^ 10 week post op pics

I’m still struggling with my fatigue, this week I’ve slept in the afternoon a few times and have gone to bed pretty early a few evenings because I’ve been so exhausted. The weather has been pretty grey which I don’t think has helped a whole lot. But again its a case of self care/self love and just trying my best to listen to what my body wants/needs.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak