trauma

This lockdown has been kinda good for one thing its allowed old wounds and pains to surface and its made me face the reality of the route cause of this pain that’s been there forever.

I’ve had counselling and different therapies since I was 15 years old on and off over the years and I’ve always skirted around this issue, cuz its painful and embarrassing to admit and as I’ve gotten older its got harder.

I find it super hard to be vulnerable and honest with myself let alone anyone else. But today I was able to verbalise it, which was very uncomfortable.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and my memories from around that time are patchy. It was a pretty traumatic experience and the years running up to that weren’t that great either and again memories are patchy.

For some that may not be seen as a traumatic event but for me it was and my mental health wasn’t great before it happened as I started self harming when I was around 9/10 years old. I can’t explain why I started self harming as again memories are fractured, not in order or missing completely.

I was an extremely anxious and extremely shy as a little kid, I struggled to make friends, I always felt left out and I still feel the same now at the age of 35 years old.

I think as you get older you tend to romanticise what your childhood was like, with me I don’t remember much at all. But I remember what it made me feel, what I felt then is what I feel now. No matter how hard I try to heal, to move forward. I am always dragged back to how I felt at the age of 15 years old.

I still feel like a little kid standing in a room full of adults trying to be seen and heard, I feel like I don’t exist, I feel alone, intense loneliness, I feel so sad, I’m in so much pain, I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel numb, I feel unloved and unlovable, I feel unwanted.

I can’t keep bleeding over the same thing, hurting over the same thing. It’s just too hard, too painful.

I feel so left out, everyone has their circle of friends and I’m standing way on the sidelines, waiting to be seen and heard, waiting for the scraps, waiting to have my existence remembered. I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve not hit any expected adult mile stones, I’ve never been in a long term relationships, I’ve never lived with anyone, I’ve never been engaged, married, I don’t have kids, never had a long term employment (mainly due to my physical health) 1 long term friendship which I no longer have. I don’t have kids, don’t own my place and never have. Never travelled anywhere, never done anything.

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much because of this trauma that hides inside me and seems to have such a strong hold over me. I end up bleeding on everyone around me and no one wants to deal with that. But I don’t mean too, I try so hard but doesn’t seem to be working. But I’m just a traumatise kid inside.

I’m so exhausted, so tired of trying, tired of feeling this pain, tired of fighting to be seen and heard, tired of existing. I’m tired of looking after myself, tired of acting like I’m a grown up when really I maybe 35 but emotionally, socially etc I’m still just a 15 year old kid inside. It exhausting trying to pretend I’m ok when I’m not.

This is hard

Peace out

Zak

Self Care

I’ve not written much about self care recently, as after surgery self care was kinda a given. I had to listen to my body and look after myself.

Recently I haven’t been feeling great, I’ve been feeling absolutely exhausted and generally just been feeling unwell, but not enough to definitely say I have an infection or something. It maybe a delayed reaction to surgery. But I see my specialist tomorrow morning so I’m hoping to get more answers.

So because of feeling so exhausted all , I’ve been listening to my body and resting and sleeping when I’ve needed too. Which sometimes is a little frustrating as I feel like I’ve wasted a day. But self care isn’t a waste of time.

Today I’ve been resting and sleeping, as I’ve felt so exhausted. I eventually got up and did the housework which always makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.

Took the dogs out for a quick wee, it’s been so grey and miserable today. Despite that I decided to go into town. I got myself some frankincense essential oils, as it’s meant to help relax the chest and help with colds and infections. I went to lush to take in my old pots in exchange for a free pot of face mask stuff, I also got myself a shower bomb too. I then went to Asda to get a few things.

I could have easily just gone to Asda, but I knew I needed to get out for a bit. Even if it was just to a couple of places.

I’m pleased I treated myself to some self care things 🙂 It’s important to me to look after myself and my needs. It’s keeps me relatively well, physically and mentally.

It’s important to slow down and listen to what your body needs. You only have one body, there is only one you.

Certain self care aspects of my days are non negotiable, like taking my meds in the morning and evening, making sure I sleep when I need too, eating as and when I feel hungry, putting my incense sticks on in the morning and evening, doing housework every other day, attending appointments. There are more I could list but it would take a while.

I’m feeling pretty exhausted now, so I’m going to wrap it up. I’m not sure this blog will make much sense lol.

Peace out

Zak

Left behind

I always feel like I’m being left behind, left out, like I’m still a little kid just still struggling to figure out what’s happening.

I feel like I’m missing out and being missed out of things.

I feel like no one really knows me or even wants to invest that time into me.

I feel that because I’m sensitive and emotional, it just puts people off.

I’m just a small person with big feelings and I know I’m weird and childlike but life is far too short to be serious.

I’ll never fit in anywhere properly, my life seems like it will be me and my animals and just temporary people.

That’s not what I want though, I want to find my tribe, people who truly accept me for me and truly mean it.

I find it hard to trust others now because I’ve always been let down and disappointed by people.

I’m tired of feeling lonely and being alone.

I won’t change who I am to fit in with who anyone wants me to be. I’ll meet you where you’re at if you’ll do the same for me.

The path I’ve been walking for the last few years have been incredibly lonely, with brief times of sunshine and happiness but never lasting long.

I want someone to take my hand and show me how proper love and friendship is meant to be.

I’m tired of the darkness, I want to see the sunshine again

Peace out

Zak

Teeth op

So this week I finally had my two teeth out. I had been waiting since June last year. It took so long for various reasons, the referral to the hospital kept getting lost and twice they denied it. But I eventually got an appointment in April.

I still then had to push for a pre op assessment, they said I could be waiting for quite a few weeks… but I’d already been waiting for a year.

Anyway last month I was booked in for the pre assessment and that all went fine and two weeks after I was booked in to have my teeth out, but it got cancelled and rearranged at the last minute.

So I went in again the next week, spoke to the doctors and stuff, got changed and because it was a Saturday and they only had skeleton staff on and because of my complex health issues they refused to do it just in case anything went wrong.

I was so cross, angry and frustrated! Mainly because of how long it had all taken to get to this point in the first place but also because it was the first time I’d sat in the men’s waiting room, so that was quite daunting but cool at the same time. It was a big deal for me and it’s something I don’t think they really appreciated.

Anyway it got rearranged for this month and again saw all the Docs’s etc. But when it came to the anaesthesiologist, he wanted to sedate me instead of putting me under general anaesthetic. Now this really stressed me out and made me anxious, again because it had taken so long to get here but also I’ve had sedation before and it’s not worked, so I was extremely apprehensive and anxious about it, not really the feelings you want to have before you get put to sleep.

It made me feel like I wasn’t listened too and it was something totally out of my control, which at the moment control over things of sorts helps make me feel better. But I think a lot of that is due to top surgery coming up and that’s a huge deal and a lot of that feels out of my control.

I tried my best to just let it go and trust but I couldn’t. But to my surprise the sedation actually worked! Which I was grateful for but then felt bad for giving the guy a hard time and I felt frustrated with myself that something like that caused such a reaction inside.

I’m trying my best to keep on top of these intense emotions, but I think it’s just apart of who I am and it will be something I’ll always have to work on.

After all that stress, everything went fine and I got home and rested the rest of the day and yesterday. I’m sure I’ll continue to heal well.

Peace out

Zak

The darkness surrounds me

I wrote this last night, despite a nice day the darkness still takes a hold of me and I can’t shake it off

You ever just feel like you’re a total inconvenience to everyone?!

But it’s almost like they only stick around out of duty and pity they feel for you.

You ever feel so lost and alone, fractured and broken that nothing seems to make a difference anymore.

I feel like I’m being left behind, like I’m on the outside of life, peering in to catch a glimpse of things that could have been.

I feel like I’ve wasted so much time doing nothing and I still have no idea what to do.

Like why am I even here? I have no purpose, no point.. directionless child who is just floating around in the darkness all alone.

Faking being ok for my whole life, I can’t keep it up, it’s a heavy weight. But I feel I can’t be depressed all the time because well people don’t like that.

I’m just an old toy left upon the shelf, battered and bruised, broken and dusty. Left unloved, forgotten and alone.

I want to step into the light out of this darkness, I’m tired of going it alone

Peace out

Zak

Dealing with disassociation – with self care

Schedule for tomorrow, this helps so much with disassociation and trying to get some stuff done. It’s mostly dependent on weather, pain and energy levels. I’m hoping I don’t feel as wiped out tomorrow so Scrappy and I can get out for a good walk, I may take Fox if it’s not too cold.

For me this is a form of self care whilst helping me stay in the moment. But I always make sure how I’m feeling before doing anything, so that my physical health is also taken into consideration, as well as my mental health.

I’m hoping I can get out and walk the dogs tomorrow as I was so wiped out this weekend because of the pneumonia jab I had Friday, but if I still need another day to rest and recover the that’s ok too, I have other low energy things that need to be done at some point as well.

I never put pressure on myself to complete everything and in the time scales I’ve set. It’s more of a reminder of what I need and want to do and having a rough time scale helps. If I manage everything then brilliant, it does make me feel good and even if I don’t manage everything but do a few things then that’s great as well and also makes me feel good because at least I’ve done something. But if I don’t manage anything at all because I’m in too much pain or too exhausted or both then that’s also absolutely fine too, because resting and doing nothing is as good as being productive because it’s still extremely important self care

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – 1 year on testosterone

I cannot believe that today I am 1 whole year on testosterone, its absolutely crazy!

I don’t really know what to write right now, but I felt like I needed to do a quick update.

So what’s changed? well I’m much hairier then I was lol, voice has changed a little bit, I sound more like my brother lol and my shoulders have look a bit different to me.  My chest has kinda deflated a bit, which is good and well there are some more intimate changes but I don’t feel comfortable at the moment talking/writing about that.

I’m really tired at the moment as I’ve been up since 6:30am and I’ve not slept well at all, so this blog post isn’t as good as I want it to be, as I’m not quite feeling connected with myself as I’m so tired.

I’m gonna try and write again soon.

1 year on T

^ Can’t believe I am 1 year on testosterone!

1yr on T comparrison

^ Comparison picture, pre T and 1 year on T

^ 1 year on T video

Peace out

Zak

Positive actions and Positive thoughts, helped me get out of feeling so miserable.

This morning I woke up in a funky mood, I was still tired after a shit nights sleep and my hips were still sore.

I spent until nearly 5pm sitting about feeling shit and just making myself feel a hundred times worse.

So I got off my ass, put the spongebob movie on in the background and played bubbles and fetch with my dogs and had cuddles with them and the cats.

I started feeling less grumpy and miserable.

My sister in law and two of my nephews popped in briefly, so that was nice 🙂

Then I decided to sort through all the shit I want to sell, as I’m doing a carboot soon.

I bagged up all the Lego sets I’m selling and then I cleaned the shelves and cleaned all my big Lego sets that I’m keeping.

I moved my crystals and stones into the bedroom where they have a whole shelf and arranged them all. Which felt really good, as the other shelf they were on was really cluttered and disorganised.

I took down the 2 canvases I’m selling, which then led me on to taking down all my posters but my signed tank girl poster.

My place looks pretty naked now and I still need to rearrange a few bits so they place looks right. But it feels good to have less clutter and the place looks less like a little boy lives there.

At the moment I’m just sat outside with the dogs, we’ve played with more bubbles, now they’re both just running about chasing each other.

I feel a hundred percent better then I did this morning, I feel more myself. I feel more awake.

Sitting around feeling miserable is fine for a bit, but the length of the suffering is dependent on whether or not you want the suffering to end or to just continue.

Cuz yeah sitting around feeling miserable and feeling sorry for myself is easy, it requires nothing.

But I chose to stop feeling miserable, because I felt like I was being a silly kid having a tantrum over literally nothing.

So I decided to change the course of my day by changing the negative thoughts into positive actions and guess what!? Negative thoughts have gone away and I feel much better.

I’m not saying this will work for me every time because sometimes yeah I’m entitled to feel miserable and it’s good to sit with those emotions and to process them and work through them.

But this is not how I wanted my week to start off.

Positive actions have positive reactions and a simple action can change your whole day.

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” today I totally understand what that quote means!

Life is only good if you want it to be good. But a good life doesn’t just land in your lap, you have to start with positive actions to get the life that you want.

After all, all most of us want is to be happy. That’s definitely at the top of my list. I just want happiness and I’m working at it 🙂

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – Chest binding pain vs feeling happy/confident out in public

Chest binding pain vs feeling happy/confident out in public

It’s a difficult dilemma, especially in the summer and as here in the UK it’s been a lot hotter for a lot longer then it usually is in June/July or ever actually lol. In the winter I tend not to bother to bind as I can hide my chest with baggy tops and hoodies, so it makes life a bit easier.

It’s also difficult because I have an auto immune disorder which causes joint pain/inflammation etc and I’m more susceptible to broken bones (a few years ago I fractured 5 bones in like 6 months)… so I have to weigh up when is safe to bind and for how long. It means listening to my body and how my body feels. For example if I’m tired and achy then it’s probably not the best idea to bind for 8 hours straight or at all. But I don’t always listen to how I feel, because I’m often disconnected from emotions and my body, I know I need to work on it though. I try and connect with myself by writing, meditation and just sitting quietly. I’ve been trying to do it more often as it does make a difference and helps a bit with the disconnect between mind and body.

The last 3 days I’ve worn my chest binder and 2 days I’ve worn it for the majority of the day and my ribs at the end of the day ache so bad and all I want to do is get home and take it off. But those 3 days I’ve been out in public, so beach one day and the other two days I’ve been around people I don’t really know that well and wearing the binder has made me feel a bit more myself, a bit more confident, less anxious and a bit less self conscious.

Tomorrow I’ll need to give my body a rest a not bind all day. It’s not recommended that you bind all day every day and definitely not recommended to wear it for 8 hours straight, especially when it’s hot.

I’ve been careful to make sure I’m drinking more and eating regularly too. So I’m not dehydrated or hungry.

Chest binding is exhausting, I’ve had mine on for nearly 12 hours… and I can feel it. I’m exhausted, hot and in a lot of pain but it was totally worth it as I’ve felt really good all day… so it’s a real dilemma.

Because of my health issues, I’m used to dealing with joint pain, some days are easier then others. But I know this pain is fairly temporary, cuz as soon as I take the binder off and relax then pain will subside which is good.

I use a high impact sports bra to bind my chest, as I’ve found it the most comfortable (as chest binding can be) an the material isn’t too hot, itchy and scratchy. I’ve tried a range of different chest binders but have found this to be the better one. So it is really important to find a chest binder that feels as comfortable as possible and makes you feel good cuz ultimately that’s the main point. What suits one person may not suit another, so it’s a bit of trial and error. But it’s definitely worth it if you find a binder that you feel comfortable with.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 33 on T

Another week on testosterone, its been such a long crazy week but its been s good one.

I’ve struggled to get through money wise, but I’ve been selling stuff. That’s slowed down now and I don’t have much left but I have food so hopefully be ok. This is a whole other issue… I’ll maybe write about it in a separate blog.

Despite having little money I had my haircut today as its been driving me insane. But I feel so much better after my haircut, feeling fresh! When I got home after my haircut, I sorted out my wild eyebrows, I swear testosterone has made them much thicker then before, so am always having to pluck and tame them. As I was looking in the mirror, I was looking at the fluff on my chin and moustache and the hair on my chin was looking really messy. I decided that I was going to have my first shave and so I just went and did it without thinking about it too much. It all went fine, I didn’t even cut myself which is always a bonus. Feels like a big milestone, it feels really good, I feel really good. It makes it all the more real I suppose.

I feel a bit sad that my dad wasn’t there to guide me through or to talk too about all this manly stuff. But I know he’s always with me. I know he’s proud of me and how far I’ve come.

I started this blog this afternoon…its now gone 10 pm and I’m only just getting around to finish it. This day has just flown by and I don’t feel like I’ve had the time to do anything. Or I’ve just got too many things to do and not enough time. Feels a bit overwhelming at the moment, haven’t really had much chance to have some quiet time and just sit.

Also I’m so tired, feeling a bit unemotional and a bit disconnected. I haven’t slept very well the last few nights as I’ve had a lot on my mind and my legs have been really achy at night.

I just need a good nights sleep and my inner child is screaming out to be looked after, he’s tired and cranky. I’ve been neglecting him and myself a little bit.

I realise its not so much ‘trans’ stuff in this blog but being trans and going through this transition is only a small part of my life. There is so much more to my life and me then this transition.

That’s enough from me, I need to start winding down for the night.

 

Week 33 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak