LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

Disassociation and other stuff

I’m not sure this post will make much sense, or even have a point lol. But I just need to write things out and hopefully help sort through the mass of thoughts that race through my brain every second of every day.

I’m going to try and make sense of everything, by sorting through things bit by bit.

I’ll start with an update about my weird breath holding thing… basically I’m still doing it and its still frustrating. Nothing works so I’m just trying to ignore it as trying to fix it makes it worse.

I do it the most when I’m feeling tense, which at the moment seems like a lot. I find myself sat on the sofa scrunched up, my whole body is tense and I’m just unable to move, unable to get out of my head. I can sit like that for hours, which I know is disassociation but in a different form then what I’ve experienced before.

This disassociation feels more like an internal struggle, I’d much rather feel all floaty and out of my body, as I feel weightless. But this is so intense and physically hurts my whole body and I feel like I have no control.

When I become aware of how I’m so tense and scrunched up, I try my best to relax my body but I feel so achy after, its hard to get away from this internal struggle.

I also keep getting stuck endlessly and mindlessly scrolling through social media, again feeling really tense and again with chunks of time passing by.

It feels like apart of my brain has just switched off and gone to sleep, which is a simple way to describe what disassociation is. It’s your brains way of protecting you, which in itself in super interesting. But I feel that there is still a small part of my brain that’s awake and shouting to wake the rest of my brain up, which is causing this internal struggle. Because even though I’ve disassociated, my brain hasn’t entirely shut off, so I have an awareness but I’m unable to do anything. I feel like I’m trapped inside my body, its really weird.

I can be sat down, all scrunched up know I need to get up and move because I have stuff to do and but I just cannot move, I’m glued in place. The small voice just isn’t loud enough to wake my brain up, but I can still hear it shouting at me. Which makes me feel even more tense and frustrated because I’m not in control, I cannot make myself move until my brain wakes up again.

I don’t really know if this will change, maybe it means I’m slowing healing the parts of me that needed to disassociate, maybe it doesn’t, I’m not sure.

Hopefully in time, this will improve or at least I’ll go back to fully disassociating.

I’m feeling more tense this week for a few reasons, I’ve come off trazadone, as I felt I no longer needed it, I’m sleeping better and despite everything I’ve just described I’m feeling better too. But the withdrawals of trazadone can make you feel more agitated and I think that’s really hit me this week. Also two weeks ago I had a pretty big hit of testosterone, due to switching over from Sustanon to Nebido and the loading process means having both shots at once! So I think again such a big dose of hormones has really hit this week. I’m sure in time these will both wear off and I’ll start feeling a bit more relaxed.

I’m still struggling to feel connected to myself, which goes back to the disassociation, but also apart of the gender dysphoria as well.

I think when I took a step back from people in my life and took stock of everything, I took a step back from myself and forgot to step back in again.

I feel a bit out of place, a bit out of sorts and just a bit weird. I’m slowly working towards getting back to myself. But I think I’ve always had this disconnect with myself, the gap feels bigger then before.

Talking about this subject in counselling is helping me understand it a bit more, which has been helpful. This week I learnt that my high tolerance to medications could be linked to the disassociation which is really interesting. Even CBD oil, does nothing for me, natural remedies don’t work for me and I’m really resistant to most medications. When I started taking tramadol, I don’t ever remember it making me feel high, like how it makes most people feel. This is definitely something I want to look more into, as its fascinating and I want to be able to react to meds like everyone else does. I also know a high tolerance to medications is also linked to hypermobility as well, which I have. I just want to try and understand my brain better and why it does what it does and if I can help myself in anyway.

I always knew my brain was wired differently to most, but never knew why. I’m still really non the wiser about why I disassociate, as its usually a result of trauma. I’ve not experienced your usual traumatic events like sexual abuse, violence etc. But then my life hasn’t been simple easy, I became ill when I was 6/7 years old, family life wasn’t always easy, my parents divorce was pretty messy but these are the only things I really remember.

My memories aren’t in order and there are huge chunks missing, which again a sign of traumatic event. Maybe it was just a culmination of events throughout my early childhood/teenage years rather then 1 significant event. Sometimes not being able to remember things is frustrating but I know its my brains way of protecting me from bad things.

This week my memory has been awful, its much worse when I’m feeling stressed/tense. It effects my short term memory, I can forget when happened a few hours ago, which is super annoying. If I’m feeling more calm and relaxed my short term memory is better, I have much better recall.

I struggle with routine, I have non negotiable things I do every day, like take my meds, housework, eating, taking the dogs out. Things I need to do to get by. But beyond that I have no interest in the 9-5pm life. Partly because my body doesn’t work that way, my brain certainly doesn’t either. I cannot stand early mornings, I need quiet time to wake up and adjust to the day. My brain certainly takes its time to wake up, its much more active in the evening, early hours of the morning. I like my freedom to do what I need/want to do in order to feel good and take care of my mental and physical health.

I know I have a lot to give this world yet, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Maybe as the year goes on, that will become clearer to me.

I need to keep writing, I keep saying this but I always hold myself back.. Don’t know why I do it.

I can feel myself switching off, running out of focus. So I shall sign off for now.

Hopefully this sheds some light on well me and how I function, which could be useful for those in my life and help them understand me more and maybe it rings a bell with whoever else is reading this.

Peace out

Zak

Finding myself

Over the last few weeks I’ve started to realise that I’ve lost myself, lost my sense of who I am over the last few years. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I’ve not been living or speaking my truth.

I think it started when I was 30, I felt like now I’m 30 I need to be a proper grown up, I need to look more grown up and act more grown up. Its the unwritten rules of society that puts this pressure on us and we all end up these perfect cookie cut outs of what we think we should be.

What the fuck is a proper grown up anywhere? what does that even look like? Non of us have the answers, non of us are perfect and were all just trying to get by. So when we stop living in our truth we lose are spark, we lose ourselves.

I also think coming out as trans made me lose my sense of self, because again I was trying to fit in. Especially when starting testosterone and starting to look more male and starting to “pass” as male more often. Again I was trying to fit in with what I thought a guy should look like and I had a image of what I thought I should be. It’s such a confusing time, with new hormones, second puberty, wishing surgery would hurry up. It’s easy to lose who you are.

It got to the point that last year I even stopped blogging how I truly felt, that was mainly down to a particular situation but I mean that’s so fucked up! I held myself back, I stopped speaking my truth. I held so much bullshit inside and now its starting to flow out and feels amazing!

I started wearing straight cut jeans instead of my beloved baggy jeans, I stopped wearing my batman t-shirts and opted for brand named t-shirts. I was trying to look more “grown up” and to fit in with what I thought I should look like. It was a slow change but it wasn’t necessarily a good change. What we wear and how we have our hair is how we visually express ourselves and its important part of self expression. When we stop being authentic, we just blend in, we become invisible.

I got caught up in what I thought people needed me to be, wanted me to be. So again I kept changing, changing to fit in. Most of those people I changed for are currently no longer in my life, so you can change for another person and they leave anyway, so why not be authentic? maybe that’s the way to keep people? I’m not sure, I’ve never had many long lasting friendships or relationships. Maybe its just me, I don’t know, but I do know I can’t keep living for other people and being what other people need me to be.

Last week I bought myself some awesome new baggy jeans and I absolutely love them! I’m going to buy myself another pair in a different colour. I feel so great wearing them, it feels like a step towards myself. Today I bought myself a cool new long sleeved top and I can’t wait to wear it.

But living my truth doesn’t just mean what I wear, it also means about speaking my truth. I’ve spent a lot of time holding stuff in because it would be too uncomfortable or difficult to speak out or it would be hurtful/uncomfortable for the other person. But again in doing that it builds up anger and resentment towards those people, but it also allows toxic, energy sucking situations to continue unchecked. I think I kept stuff in because I didn’t want to offend/hurt people because I was scared to lose people. But sometimes losing people is a good thing because it helps you find the right friends. Speaking out also shows the other person what things you are willing to put up with and things your not. Which protects your energies and gives you good boundaries with the people around you.

I have started speaking my truth and telling people how I feel, which isn’t easy or comfortable but the relief of speaking out feels great. The big ball of emotions and darkness that I have inside feel like its slowly getting smaller with every time I speak and live my truth.

I hope at some point I will feel free inside, free of all the darkness and free from the feeling that I’m just trapped in a glass bowl looking at life but its always just out of reach. Maybe some point I will feel apart of life again, with more meaningful connections with people, myself and hopefully I’ll be living a life with more meaning.

I’m over being what people want me to be, I am over trying to fit in, I am over keeping quiet, I am just over this bullshit! I am so ready for a new start, I am ready to find my shine again, I am ready to find my tribe! I am ready for whatever comes my way!

Peace out

Zak

Benefits saga – Continues

I’ve decided to split up my posts about my life into sections, so my posts are shorter and a bit easier to read and digest.

So as the title states this one is about PIP and ESA…Oh the joys!

Well after having to go to a tribunal, the DWP decided they might appeal the court’s decision. I am currently still waiting to hear from them.

I did get the statement that the tribunal sent to DWP but that’s all. I am really hoping I hear this week, as the wait is killing me! I just want it over with and I just want it sorted. It physically hurts, the wait is just agonising and just unreal.

The sad thing is I know I’m not the only one going through this and its heart breaking to think about all the pain and suffering that has been caused by this benefit change-up.

I feel like as a person with disabilities, I am being picked on and treated like a criminal. Even though my issues are legitimate and real, whether you can see them or not. My disabilities are there and they affect me every day.

The system certainly doesn’t cater for people with physical and mental health issues. For example, I would love to be able to work on the days I felt well enough and then on the days I need to rest then I could take off. But I just doesn’t work like that, jobs aren’t that flexible. Most jobs these days are zero contract hours, so I wouldn’t be entitled to statutory sick pay and benefits takes months or in my case over a year to sort out. Or similarly people with mental health issues, could be well for say 3 months at a time. So they could work that 3 months and then take time off to rest or if they become unwell then to get better again. But as I said it just doesn’t work like that and to me it doesn’t make much sense and I feel that it should be working this way, so then at least people who are unable to work all the time are at least paying taxes, even if it’s for a short while, not to mention the fact that it will give people with long-term health issues purpose, self-esteem and pride in themselves. I despise not being a productive member of society but we have a system in place that’s all or nothing. You are either able to work or you’re not, which is silly to me.

Well that’s my personal opinion and views on where the system is going wrong.

I am also still without my bus pass, which is making me feel trapped because I’m unable to pay for the bus with the little money I do get. I’ve emailed my OT again to get her to chase it up, as it was meant to have been processed last Monday and I should have got it last week, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. It’s so frustrating having to always chase things up. I just wish things would start running a bit more smoothly so it’s not so bloody stressful.

Anyway that’s all for now, I will post more when I know more.

Peace out

Batman

Stuck

It’s been nearly a whole week since I have sat down to write properly, I usually like sitting down to write but this past week I’ve either been too tired or I’ve just not felt like it. I’m only writing tonight because I’m not feeling too good at the moment, mood has crashed and my dark passenger is walking near. I’m struggling.

Hmm quick catch up I suppose…

Saturday – I had Leo for most of the day, L and the boy’s came down in the afternoon and we all went to a little park near me and spent the afternoon there. My bro picked up Leo and stayed at the park for a bit. L fed the boys at mine before heading home. Just chilled in the evening.

Sunday – Slept until midday, I definitely needed it. Had a shower and got myself ready, spent the afternoon at my brothers, had dinner, played Lego with Jack. Had a good time. Chilled out in the evening.

Monday – I chilled out, cleaned the flat, spent 3 hours colouring in my new adult colouring book, went to the trans* group social in the evening, which was good.

Tuesday – Had a boys day with Harvey, spoilt him a bit but had good fun hanging out with him. Chilled in the evening.

Wednesday –  Didn’t get much sleep because I was so sore and achy. Woke up feeling like utter crap. So just stayed in and slept. I did manage to clean up a bit.

Back to today Thursday – Actually slept ok-ish last night, was up at 7 am did the usual morning things, was out by just gone 9 am. M picked me up to take me to a meeting for Mindout. Meeting went ok. Met L and the boy’s for a bit before group.

Group was good, had some commissioner people come in wanting to know what we thought about the mental health services, as they know it’s flawed to say the least. It was SOOOO good to be able to get it all off my chest and there will be a opportunity to help reform the mental health services, which I really want to do because it is so flawed and people have died as a result.

Met L and the boys for a bit after group. I headed home, got dinner on the way as I’d forgotten to put my dinner in the slow cooker before I left this morning.

Just been relaxing this evening, tried to do some colouring, couldn’t really get into it though, so gave up and started on this instead. Going to get to bed after this, I feel that crap that the best thing I can do is just go to bed.

I found out today that a fellow blogger died over a year ago now. She’s been on my mind in that time but for some reason today she was more so and I read the comments on her last blog and yeah a few people wrote R.I.P and stuff. She had bipolar but was very tormented by the loss of her baby and she never ever came back from that trauma. In some way I’m pleased she’s now no longer in the awful awful pain she was in every day, but just so so sad that nothing helped. No amount of medication, therapy, counselling etc, nothing helped her move on. I just hope that now she’s at peace with her baby boy ❤

My health has been it’s usual crap this week, been really achy, really sore leg muscles, felt a bit sick a few times, really tired. Usual shit, I can’t wait for my appointment with my new bone doc next week. I want off this fucking methotrextate, I want my condition to be looked at again and look into either another diagnosis or whatever. I just want some fucking answers as to why this yr has been so shit and I’ve gone down hill. I think this is part of where my anger is coming from.

Mentally not been doing great, just been faking it really because I’ve worked so hard to get to two yrs self harm free and to be as stable as I have been and I really don’t want it all to fuck up now. Because I will fucking hate myself for it and I will be so disappointed in myself and if I do cut, if I do fall to pieces it will be like starting all over again from the start and I just haven’t got the strength to do that. But neither can I carry on like this. I don’t know what to do. I’m irritable and angry, they are BIG warning signs that something is going to kick off. Like FUCK do I want to up the fucking quetiapine! I HATE THAT SHIT! I’m stuck. I don’t know how to get this all out without it being totally destructive. Constructive ways feel like it’s not getting it all out properly and it feels trapped. I feel trapped. But good old me has got this because I fucking have too!

I’m fucking done, I need to go to sleep

Peace out

I don’t even know right now…

Urgh…. I’m feeling a bit lost right now and empty and I’ve not felt like that in a long long time. I’m not even sure why I feel like this.

I’ll start with food, eating, losing weight. I’ve lost 19lbs in total in a very short space of time. It’s mainly because I have no appetite at all, I don’t know what I want to eat and when I do eat I don’t really want it. I have been forcing myself to eat, even if it’s just a little. Just eating the bare minimum to get through a day, I eat a little more if I have to go out and do something that day. If I didn’t have to eat I wouldn’t and it also gets worse when it comes near Friday because I know my metoject injection will make me feel sick, so I don’t eat much because I think that will stop me being sick. Probably not true lol. I totally know this isn’t good and isn’t healthy but I like the weight loss and I have a goal weight which is another 14lbs and that it what my weight is meant to be for my height and what it was pre quetiapine. So that’s the first unhealthy bit.

Also I’ve only been leaving the house if I have too, I go across the road with the pups, I go to my group and I go to the shops that I need to go too and appointments too. I’ve not seen my friends really…but mainly because no one has contacted me to meet up, that’s always down to me, but I’m done chasing my friends to hang out with. So yeah I’ve been pretty lonely and bored and I hate staying in all the time but my motivation is low and I have even lower energy because of not eating properly. It’s a massive vicious circle, the whole situation. I’ve wanted to go out and do stuff but no one really to go with. I just sort of feel trapped inside…it is SO much easier to just stay in and be by myself. I can’t really explain it well…

Just feeling mega lost, questioning my choice of path, questioning everything. Feeling empty too and I’ve not felt like that in a long time. I just don’t know, I can’t even explain it well enough.

Feel like I am just going through the motions in each day, doing the minimum I need to do to get through each day, being the person that the people need to see when I am at my groups. I don’t feel real at the moment and I haven’t done for a while, this all isn’t new feelings etc. Maybe I was trying to ignore it so I could continue to come off the quetiapine. Also the last few days I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye….for now I am ignoring it.

I need to keep a close eye on all this, I am debating whether too just take the 25mgs of quetiapine for this week just to maybe help get myself back on track, get into a better routine of things…I’m nor sure what to do. Maybe that’s a good idea.

I’m struggling too and I hate to let people know that this is how I feel because the start of a transition is to make everything all better…and at the start if did, now I think the hype of that has gone and the fact that I know I have to prove to the gender clinic that this is really how I feel, this is who I am etc…this is going to be hard work, yet another fight. I feel tired and drained just thinking about it all.

I need to stop stressing, just try and be the real me with everyone, get back into some sort of routine, try and eat better etc…not sure how realistic this all is…but hey. I can try.

URGH maybe writing this has helped me, least it is out there now, maybe I can slowly process this in my lil head…

Peace out

Batman