Shining light

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote anything and I’m feeling less angry and frustrated then I was in my last blog.

I took the decision to up my trazadone again to help me sleep better and hopefully help me feel less depressed and so far I’m sleeping a better most nights and I’m starting to feel a little better too. I don’t feel so hopeless and so lost in the darkness, I still don’t feel great but I can see the shimmer of light at the end of the darkness, I’ve just got to keep reaching out for it.

I’ve been trying to make little changes to my daily life, that will help continue to make me feel a bit better and to prepare myself for the winter months. Each year I struggle with my mood during the winter and every year it really hits me, so I’ve been trying to prepare myself so its not going to be so much of a shock when it rolls around.

I have written up a rough plan of things to do day to day, some of these things are non negotiable, like take my meds in the morning and evening, getting to bed at a reasonable time things like that. But also to get outside for at least 30 mins each day, especially when the clocks change. As some days I like to just chill and I don’t get dressed until 4pm, which during the summer months is fine as I have loads of time still to enjoy the sunshine. But in the winter it gets dark by 4pm, so I’m going to make sure that no mater how I’m feeling I make sure I spend time outside, soak in that vitamin D from the sun. I love being outside in nature so it shouldn’t be too much of a drag. Even something as small as that I know will make a huge difference to how I feel from day to day.

I love my lists and I’ve been spending nearly every day just writing and writing. One list is of self care stuff, things like washing my face masks regularly as that’s a new thing I need to do better, or using my SAD light every day, listening to what my body wants and needs. Just simple things.

This winter is going to be a tough one as we’re heading into another lockdown and firs time around I found it so hard and winter on top of that is going to bring added stress. But I feel much more prepared this time, that’s why I’ve been writing lists down, mainly as a reminder of things I can be doing to make myself feel better and help me get through this next part a bit easier and I know what to expect now so its not going to be so much of a shock to the system.

I think I mainly operate from my inner child, he’s in charge most of the time. Which is fine but at the moment he’s feeling scared, anxious and unsafe and that’s the main reason I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the winter months to ease the anxieties of my inner child and to make him feel safe. Which he is a bit more settled then he was but he’s still highly anxious and just wants everything in place to feel as safe as possible. Which I am currently working on and I’m not far off having everything ready but I’m not quite finished.

Trying to calm my inner child down has been difficult, but I’ve been trying to listen and trying to identify his needs and what he wants, but it’s tricky as he has complex needs from traumatic events in our life. Slowly I will heal us both, through counselling and lots of patience and self care. I’ve been trying to heal myself for the last 20 years but I’ve never even really scratched the surface until now, I think I’m finally ready to heal. I can’t keep bleeding, I can’t keep letting this little boy hurt, he deserves to feel better now. I want my life to be better now, I want things to be different, I want to break the patterns that I’ve been repeating for the last 35 years. I’m ready to be happy.

One of my self care/regular activities is to try and blog on a bit more of a regular basis. I love writing/blogging and my anxiety/procrastination stops me just getting on with it. I think sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I can’t physically do anything so I don’t and then I feel annoyed because I haven’t done anything. So I am going to try and make more of a conscious effort to push through the anxiety and sit down and write. I always feel so much better for it, I just need to get over myself and do it! With any luck I’ll be here writing again soon and not with weeks or even months in between posts.

Now I’m sleeping much better at night, I’m getting between 7-9 hours a night, which is much better then the 4-6 hours I was getting, my appetite is a bit better as well. I’m not binge eating sugar because I’m tired. Hopefully I’ll loose a bit of weight now, as I’m not eating half as much as I was, I’m actually eating a proper breakfast every morning as well and I’m trying to eat dinner too, whether that be something I cook or a takeaway at least I’m eating meals rather then just shovelling chocolate into my face all day long.

Getting a good nights sleep for me is so important, it improves my mood, my appetite, I can manage my chronic fatigue better. It’s so easy to slip into bad habits when depressed but at the moment I’m really aware of what makes things worse for me and having all these lists of things will definitely help. Getting into a routine of going to bed at a reasonable time and having a slightly more structured day is slow going, it won’t ever be perfect but I’ve got a good start on it.

Well that’s all for now

Peace out


Sleepy Saturday

I don’t have a copy of my WRAP atm…. it still needs a few bits to finish it off.

Had fuck all sleep last night. Just too scared to fall asleep, just had kids films running all night. I was still awake when my mate came home, but I just stayed in bed and tired to relax. Laying on my side facing the bedroom door and keeping still seems to be helping. If I face the door then I can see if someone comes in, if I face the wall like I usually do then anything can hurt me, if I am facing the door at least I would be ready for whatever comes at me. Even been considering sleeping with a kitchen knife… but with my mate coming in at the middle of the night I might wake up confused and stab him by accident…So not a safe idea, although I do have a pen knife or two in the draw…I think I eventually fell asleep around 3 am.

Woke up about 9:30 am. Feeling exhausted and starving. So I just showered and dressed and went to Asda for a cooked breakfast, came back and fell asleep for a few hours. Took my foxy for a wee, dropped her back and then paid my rent and got some electric. Went into one shop and got some cool socks and a pair of boxers, but because it was so warm I felt so dizzy, so I went out and had a hot dog for lunch and just sat for a bit as I really didn’t feel too well. After my rest I headed home and I ended up falling asleep for another few hours. I feel safe sleeping in the day on the sofa, as the rest of the flat is pretty opened planned and I can see everything. As all the doors are wedge opened but the front door and the bedroom door. I try and keep my bedroom like my little sanctuary, but at the moment it feels like a pretty scary place to be. 

When I woke up I just felt so tired and a bit hungry. My mate then woke up as he’s got the weekend off. So he’s pretty tired after a week of night shifts. He went to meet his friend for a bit, then brought her back here. We ended up going out for dinner. Even though I was hungry I couldn’t eat it, even though I wanted it… *sigh* We went to Asda and got a few bits and came back to mine and watched World War Z, it was ok, glad I didn’t get it on dvd, not something I’d watch again. Then we watched Dredd. So yeah had a good evening. But felt like I’ve wasted a day by sleeping through most of it. My mate took his mate to get a taxi back and he took foxy with him so I don’t have to take her out, as I am not enjoying taking her out at night right now. 

Just chilling now, I am so tired! I feel like I could sleep for a week. Again not looking forward to bed time… Feeling so tense and agitated. But I need sleep. Gah I hate feeling like this. 

Booked my poor Gizmo in to be neutered on Wednesday, poor baby lol.

Found this picture…pretty fitting for right now


Peace out

Tank girl