I am still a work in process – update on life.

WOW so it has been a long old few weeks since I last posted and a lot has happened.

First of all I would like to say that I cannot believe I have kept my shit together, despite all the trials and tribulations I have been through recently. If this was to happen to me say 4-5 years ago then I would have lost my shit ages ago and I would have self harmed A LOT! But I have kept as calm as I could and I’ve not self harmed at all, which proves to me that I’ve grown and that I do not fit the BPD diagnosis any longer.

Um so where to start….

So Scrappy had another trip to the vets last week as he was still poorly but not as bad as his first trip to the vets, so he was given something to balance all the good bacteria in his stomach and it worked really well and he was back to his usual self in no time at all. The vet suggested he be muzzled when he’s out to prevent him from eating shit he’s not meant too. My friend took us to get him a muzzle and it will be ok for now but he can get it off but hopefully he’ll get used to it. All my other fur babies are absolutely fine ๐Ÿ™‚

Medical stuff – I saw my new ENT doc and he was ok, he has ordered me a CT scan of my sinuses to see where we go from there and antibiotics until we know what the next step is. He also did me a letter for my PIP.

I also saw my GP and he is doing my referral to Dr Edwards in Southampton hospital! woohoo! FINALLY! He also gave me some naproxen for me knees as they keep swelling up and are really painful.

Disability benefits stuff – So I have been working really hard on writing my appeal as the Personal Independent Payment people have refused my mandatory reconsideration, I feel I was penalised because it was in late, which was not in my control as I had a charity helping me and it was their responsibility, I have since had an apology from the charity but I am still planning on making a official complaint about it. But anyway the appeal has been written and amended by someone who knows what the requirements are etc and its absolutely spot on. It’s all slowly coming together and I will be able to post it on Monday.

Sorting this out has had a huge impact on my physical and mental health and my ability to do anything. I’ve missed a lot of my groups and counselling, I’ve been quite isolated and lonely. I’ve struggled just to do day to day tasks because I have been so tired, in so much pain and feeling far too overwhelmed, even taking a shower feels too much. It has certainly taken a massive toll on me and this whole process has been a huge trigger for the deep routed anger that is inside me.

This whole process has brought up a lot of stuff and has bought up a load of thoughts about all the times I’ve been let down by nearly everyone in my life, at every crucial moment in my life. My core memories aren’t all happy, great memories, they are mostly negative with a bit of trauma thrown in. I am feeling a lot of anger and I don’t know how to get rid of it in a normal healthy way, I know I am on the right path because I know I need to do something about this anger in a healthy way and my behaviour hasn’t been destructive at all, which is a vast improvement since I completed DBT. I just need to work out how to process it, where to start, what do I do?! I will meditate on it, look up ways to process deep routed anger and see where we go from here. I think though I need to stop fighting and rest, my fight, flight or freeze is stuck in fight mode just to get me through all this but, I need to stop for a bit, stop fighting and just be, that will be easier said then done, as I have spent a lot of time in fight mode recently just to get through each day!

How do I feel right now? I feel emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I need to rest and I will, I need to tend to all my needs and listen to my inner child and what he needs, this reminds me I want to learn more about this and re-parenting my inner child etc.

Just writing this has helped a bit but now I need to eat something and sleep ๐Ÿ™‚

But just before I go, here are a few pictures of me and my babies โค

^^ Marley Moo

^^ Harley playing with her new toys that my lovely friend made ๐Ÿ™‚

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ My photography

^^ Scrappy doodles love swimming in the sea ๐Ÿ™‚

^^ Me, I actually quite like this picture of me.

Peace out


What a week and it’s only Wednesday!

Its only Wednesday and it has already been one hell of a week! I’m absolutely exhausted, in so much pain and so stressed out, literally don’t know how I am continuing to move forward and deal with all of this shit.

So Monday Scrappy went down hill, he was still being sick and he started pooping blood, he then went very lethargic. So I had to scramble around and got two of my friends to help me out but we managed to get him to the vets in the end. I was thinking the worse, as I’ve never seen him so poorly before. But the vet said he’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have…which knowing scrappy is probably what happened lol. The vet gave him 3 injections, antibiotics, anti-sickness and anti-diarrhea and then some anti-diarrhea paste to give him for the next few days.

Yesterday Scrappy was still really subdue and not eating but today he’s really perked up. He’s eaten and played fetch, he’s still not 100% himself but he didn’t eat for 48 hours and didn’t sleep well for 48 hours so he’s probably exhausted and feeling really weak. I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual old self in a few more days. I’m just glad my baby boy is on the mend, I wouldn’t know what I would do without him or any of my babies.

Monday morning I spent ringing around my doctors and diverse abilities to sort out getting my case together for this tribunal for the disability benefits. I need to chase up one doc to see what’s going on, as I said I am at that hospital next week and can pick it all up.

My psych has been great, I saw him today to catch him up to speed with everything going on, so he’s going to write me an up to date letter for me to use at the tribunal, I just need to show him what I will be writing to them. So I am going to get diverse abilities to send me a copy of the appeal, so I can send to him because my case for the tribunal will still be along the same lines.

This fortnight after I pay out for everything I have ยฃ38… Yes I did treat myself to a ยฃ6 top and a haircut that cost ยฃ9 but I think I deserve a small treat after everything I’ve been through. But I can’t afford to get a taxi to my hospital app next week, so I’ve asked my brother to take me but I can’t afford to pay car parking because its expensive and I can’t expect my brother to either, so he’s just dropping me off. I have no money to socialise, which I know its not what it is for BUT because of my illnesses I get isolated very easily, so with no money to do anything, I will become isolated, bored and depressed.. This is no life at all, its just not fair! I just hate this so much, having to prove over and over that I am sick and “worthy” to be “awarded” these benefits. Its soul destroying to go over all my limitations and all the things that I struggle with or can’t do. I cannot WAIT for it all to be over, I will fight until I get my money, I need this money to live instead of just about surviving like I am right now.

Over the last few years I’ve watched helplessly as my health has gone down hill and I’ve not been able to do a thing about it. At the moment I am still having issues with my re-occurring sinus infections but next Fri I meet my new ENT doc. I am anxious about it but at the same time I can’t wait because it does need to be sorted out. Also this last week or so my right knee has been swollen after well doing anything and its has been really painful…But I can’t see my GP until next week. I had a letter to say he wants to see me, but the receptionists can’t possibly tell me why and they still cannot see me until Tues.. lol. I am over dealing with the gate keepers of the doctors, I just hope he doesn’t urgently need to see me for anything because well Tues will have to do.

So how do I feel right now? I really don’t know to be honest, overwhelmed is probably the right word to use right now. It’s all a bit too much and I have SO much to do and I am organising it all myself. I’m just grateful for the friends that I have around me right now and my brother, they are helping to keep me afloat.

I’m surprised that my dark passenger hasn’t made himself known, I think finally after 20 years I am totally in control of this dark addiction that I held so closely for most of my life. Finally there is a distance between us and he’s no longer walking anywhere near me. Throughout all of this stress I could have easily given my dark passenger permission to just take hold of me again but it hasn’t even crossed my mind, which is a huge step for me. I have cut once in about two and a half years and I am extremely proud of myself for that because before I stopped, cutting (my dark passenger) totally controlled my life, say if my current situation with benefits, health etc was to happen 4 years ago then I would probably be cut to shreds, I would probably be cutting every day because of the stress. Like I said I’ve not thought about and even now talking about it, isn’t a trigger at all, which again is a huge improvement for me. I’ve said before that I enjoyed cutting but now I understand myself a lot more and understand that I have sensory processing issues and that is why I enjoyed it. Now I am aware of that I have different things that I use when I need that sensory feeling or whatever, its difficult to explain.

I’m glad I’ve written about all this because it has shown me that despite all of the shit I am going through, I do have things that I can still be proud of ๐Ÿ™‚ and that is a good mood booster, least I am still moving forward and making progress.

That’s all for now,

Peace out


Happy, content and refreshed

The mid week slump was much needed, I was totally wiped out by Wednesday afternoon and I had to stop everything I was doing and just sleep. I think that this in part has helped with my mood, I feel good, happy and refreshed. It feels nice but a bit weird, just trying to hold onto it and not look to destroy it.

We had a really nice sunny day on Thursday, wow I felt great! So energised and happy. Even my neighbour said I look really refreshed.

It was the first day of wearing my sports bra all day and that also contributed to my good mood. It hurt like hell at the end of the day, my ribs an back ached so so much! But it was worth it, I felt great! I’m not going to wear it all day every day, will have to build up to it. Plus as its cold I can get away with wearing hoodies so my chest looks less noticeable.

Group was good on Thursday, M and I agreed that I could use the group as I did before, whilst also being a volunteer. Which is great because I get to help but also continue getting support, its a good balance.

M dropped me home, which cut loads of time of my usual journey. I got home, threw my bag on the floor, peed and grabbed the dogs and went for a walk down Baiter. It was so nice and the pups loved it, we caught the sunset which was so beautiful โค

I was glad to have dinner already made, I just had to heat it up. I was achy and tired after walking the pups but I felt happy, I love being out with them and it was definitely worth the pain! I then played Lego Jurassic world for the rest of the evening. I’m cutting down the amount of time I spend online, just because I see so much crap on social media and it does have a negative effect on me. Plus playing my games or doing Lego feels much more productive and it makes me feel loads better then surfing the web all night.

Friday M and I went to the Weymouth group, the group met for lunch before hand and it was really nice. I couldn’t eat my lunch any quicker lol, it was so yum! The session itself went well, I really enjoy this group. M and I had quite a deep chat on the way home, which is unusual for us, it’s usually quite light and funny. But it was good though and very much appreciated.

I got in and took the dogs straight across the road for a run, I met my sister in law to pick up Leo for a few hours. They both needed a few hours without a screaming child lol…so I got him! He was tired and teething, after he played with scrappy for a bit I managed to get him off to sleep in his pushchair for an hour, so I could eat and relax.

I ate loads today, I had 3 crumpets and 2 pancakes for breakfast, I had a jacket potato for lunch, then biscuits and I had more crumpets and pancakes for dinner. Its the first day in so long that I’ve felt really hungry and have snacked between meals and I ate without even thinking about it and without it being such a huge stress.

After they picked up my lil chubs and robbed all my sweets lol! As they always do when they come over, but I hide the good stuff!! I played Lego Jurassic world for a few hours, I got sucked into and away from my head. I love it so much ๐Ÿ™‚ makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’ve never completed a game 100% before, so I’m already half way through now 53% ๐Ÿ™‚

I got to bed and sleep just after 1 am I think. I woke up at 9 am, had breakfast and went back to sleep until midday ๐Ÿ™‚ I felt nice and refreshed, ready for another day.

Did the housework, had a shower and got dressed. Not wearing my sports bra today though, my chest bones are still recovering from wearing it all day Thursday.

Took the pups across the road for a run and wee, before walking through to high street to the bus stop. Its a Saturday so it will be busy and the last thing I need is for them to stop and poop in the street lol! Because they are small people don’t see them, I don’t like walking through the high street on a Saturday let alone with the dogs.

I took the pups to their vets appointment, just for flea treatment but I prefer to have an appointment so I remember when they are due what treatment. Mr Scrappy has put on 200gs, he’s now 6.7kgs! She said he should maximum weight now as he’s nearly 2 years old and should be finished growing. She’s happy that they are both happy and healthy and that now for a while Foxy has been maintaining her weight, rather it then dropping up and down all the time. I think a better quality of food has helped so much with her in so many aspects ๐Ÿ™‚

I got home and chilled out for a bit, I then sat and played Lego Jurassic world for a bit, going round collecting more Amber and gold bricks. Had myself some dinner, I had gammon that I’d made on a previous night, which was nice.

I spent some time making some cakes and cheese biscuits, which I always enjoy. I’m going to my brothers for dinner tomorrow, so will take some of each with me.

Spent the rest of the evening catching up on online, social media stuff and writing my blog of course.

How do I feel right now? I feel happy, content and refreshed. I can’t put my finger on why, its probably to do with a few things. But I’m not going to analyse it, I’m just going to enjoy it and hope it lasts.

Here are some pictures from the last few days.

ย Pups loved their walk on Thursday and didn’t want to go home.

ย Foxy taking in her surroundings โค she looks so peaceful and happy

ย Typical pose for my boy, willing that ball to move lol.

ย Foxy in her pjs, chowing down on treats ๐Ÿ™‚

ย My gorgeous boy didn’t want me to leave him.

ย The view from the room for out Weymouth LGBT mental health group.

ย Eating the last cookie, whilst waiting for M to pee before we left. I was feeling pretty goofy ๐Ÿ™‚

ย Pups all ready for bed, they are such lil posers.

ย Marley moo loves sleeping in bed with me

ย Harley checking out what everyone was doing.

ย Home made cakes are the best!

ย Home made cheese biscuits are the best!

ย The pups waiting for anything to drop on the floor lol

ย Harley checking out what’s going on as usual.

That’s it for now, will be around again soon.

Peace out


Gender Dysphoria….joys..NOT!

I definitely feel that a positive attitude has helped me get through yesterday and has helped me feel much better then I did on Monday.

I slept really well Mon night despite sleeping most of the day but I knew I would because I was just so so exhausted.

Tuesday was really productive though, I was up and out by 9 am, took the pups for a wee, went into town to pay bills, did laundry, did my food shopping online, ordered myself some new jeans. I just sorted stuff out..can’t remember the rest lol.

In the afternoon I had a lady pick up some clothes and dog stuff that was going to help the homeless ๐Ÿ™‚

I then had to take the pups up to the vets to get their worming and flea treatment sorted and they were well behaved as usual.

My best mate was in town while I was out, so she went to my place to wait for me and we hung out for a few hours which was really cool.

After she went I had myself some dinner, a proper dinner again. It was only a small dinner but I’m trying hard to at least eat decent food, even if it’s a small portion. When I got my food shopping I ordered proper food, things I can make decent meals from. I got stuff to make a nice beef casserole with ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ll do that at then end of the month.

After dinner I took the pups out for an hour just and we got back just as it was getting dark. Scrappy flopped on the sofa when we got home because I took his ball out with us and wow he loves fetch so much, he didn’t stop.

I felt really peaceful after out walk, it’s something about being out by the sea that does it for me ๐Ÿ™‚ so I wanted to make that last so I spent the evening doing some colouring. I went to bed feeling really contented.

Slept really well last night but I was awake about 7 am, so I did my usual and had breakfast and then fell back to sleep on the sofa. But I got rudely woken up by the police wanting to get into the building without alerting the person they wanted to speak too, so they buzzed me and I nearly fell off the sofa trying to get up and answer the door in a confused state lol. But I went back to sleep until nearly 12 pm lol! I did intend to clean up this morning but the flat doesn’t actually look too bad so I didn’t bother.

H turned up and I was still hanging out in my pjs lol! We chilled out, I was waiting for my food shopping to come but as H was there I was able to quickly hop in the shower and get dressed.

My food shopping came and there was a few subs, like I got diet pepsi instead of Pepsi but I live so close to the shop and I said the guy the main reason I have been ordering food because I can’t lift anything because I’m recovering from a fractured arm, so he was kind enough to go back to the shop and come back with regular Pepsi, which I was so chuffed about because that would have been wayyy to heavy for my to carry with my sore arm.

So after all that jazz, H and I caught a train into Bournmouth and spent the day shopping. Which was so cool as we’ve not done anything like that in ages because she’s not been well. But it was just so cool to just chill and hang out. I bought myself a new Vans top in the sale and a new colouring book called Enchanted Forest – An Inky Quest.

A funny situation did happen in a sports shop… We went in to have a look and I was looking at the sports bra’s to see if they would help flatten my man boobs down, so H an I both tried some on, she actually wants her for the gym. But anyway the first one I tried was difficult to get on but I managed it but it didn’t flatten much which sucked but the second one I tried on was too tight and I got stuck with my man boobs out and my arms in the air lol, so H had to rescue me and pull me out of it! Good job she was with me lol. It was funny but the trying them on triggered the gender dysphoria but I that’s gonna happen I suppose, I’m glad I did try but it’s just a case of trying different ones to get the effect I want. But yeah it was difficult to not let the gender dysphoria not effect my mood as it did put my head into a bit of a spin. Being with my best mate and having a good day with her helped me deal with it.

This evening we chilled out and watched Maze Runner as H had never seen it and the new film is coming out soon, I cannot wait and she loved it and I knew she would ๐Ÿ™‚

H and I left mine at the same time as I wanted to take the pups out for a walk by the sea before it got too dark. I pretty much legged it to Baiter where I like to walk, just so we still had some light and Scrappy could see enough to play fetch. I was sooo tired but the pups needed to walk but it was really nice ๐Ÿ™‚ and the pups got what they needed.

Just spent this evening chatting to friends while trying to write lol but it’s been nice.

I have group tomorrow and I’ve decided just to let go of what happened last week, clean slate and move on. No point holding onto anything.

I better get myself to bed in a mo.

Peace out


Tired of being so tired.

Urgh not so much of a great day… I am feeling so run down and a bit snotty and chesty but only a little. Just not feeling it all today, not even now lol.

I slept really well last night and woke up at 9 am, had breakfast and watched tv and fell back to sleep until midday.

Still didn’t feel good, so had some lunch and just sat on the sofa because I didn’t really know what to do with myself and time passed really quickly.

Eventually got up and had a shower, got dressed and sat across the road in the sun with the pups for a bit, in hopes that the sun would give me a bit of an energy boost…but no such luck. I felt utterly exhausted! So I slept again for an hour and a half, just because I had too, I was far too tired to do anything else. I really hate days like this ๐Ÿ˜ฆ it’s so frustrating.

Decided not to go to group because I’m still tired and I just didn’t feel like being around anyone yet.

Urgh even writing this is just taking it out of me :/ meh. My brain has just stopped working and I don’t even know what I’m writing.

I had a bit of money left so I had pizza hut for dinner lol, screw it I’m ill and I just couldn’t be bothered.

I sorted out my money for the my groups and counselling this week, so that’s all put aside. Sorted out what I am doing and when for the next fortnight and what bills etc are coming out and when, feels good to be organised and at least look like I know what I’m doing lol.

I ended up taking the pups out for an hour, I took a short cut down to the sea. It was really nice to get out with the pups for a bit, I love so much being by the sea. Feel so at peace by the sea.

Just been relaxing this evening and I still feel like fucking shit! I just want to hide away from everyone and everything forever.. :/ I think I’m just feeling like this because I’m tired and a bit poorly….Well hopefully.

Tomorrow is busy-ish. Gotta go out to pay rent and electric, gotta take the pups to the vets in the afternoon, might order food shopping and going to see if I can get dog and cat food delivered again from the pet shop. Also got someone coming to pick up some clothes that are going to help the homeless, which is good least they are going somewhere useful. I’m not sure I will do all of that tomorrow, it depends how I feel.

Seen a new pair of jeans I like on Amazon, so going to treat myself to them ๐Ÿ™‚ non of my jeans fit me since losing all that weight. I definitely deserve a nice new pair of jeans ๐Ÿ™‚ and they are so cool. I can’t seem to find any loose fit jeans in the shops, which totally sucks!

Anyway’s whatever, this boy needs to get some sleep… again!

Peace out


Detached from emotions

Urgh I am so tired but I need to catch up, the longer I leave it the more I’ll need to catch up.

Mon – Wow it seems to long ago now, I went back to bed in the morning because I was so tired. We had a pretty chilled day, just did some drawing and gluing stuff, took pups across the road and played over there too. They left at just gone 6 pm, I was going to go too for the trans group but urgh, I was just so so tired and achy I couldn’t move so I opted to stay in and get an early night.

Tues – Today was flipping manic and I’d not slept well yet again. I was up and out by 9 am, I paid my bills, posted something and did a few other bits and bobs in town. I then had to take Scrappy to the groomers to get his hair cut and boy did he need it, he looks like a different dog now lol, he looks like he did when he was a small pup.

After I headed out to go to my 1:1, I met L and dropped off the pups to her. My 1:1 was really good and we looked at my recent anger and frustrations as lately I’ve been much more angry and frustrated, so will be good to find the root cause of it all.

I went over to L’s to pick up the pups, only stayed for an hour and then headed down to the vets to get scrappy his booster jab and he was SO brave, he didn’t make a sound! So proud of my boy.

Finally got home and man I was just exhausted. I don’t remember having dinner…or even what I did lol. But I did take 50 mgs of quetiapine instead of my usual 25mgs just because I so needed a decent nights sleep.

Wed – I did fuck all! I slept really well and I pretty much slept all day, mainly because I needed to sleep off the extra quetiapine and I needed to catch up on my sleep. I did manage to clean up, have a shower and take the pups for a short walk. I made myself some dinner but I didn’t eat much of it, just wasn’t hungry.

I spent the evening sat colouring in a couple of mandala’s. I put my white noise on for 30 mins just to help me get off to sleep.

Thurs – And back to now. I slept ok-ish last night I did wake up early this morning but I just couldn’t get back to sleep so I just got up, had some breakfast and just had some chill time putting together a new 3in1 Lego set.

Got showered and dressed but just took my time. Took the pups out too. Just as I was getting myself ready to head out to group, the post man came with my walking stick ๐Ÿ™‚ which was cool. I was so so sore and stiff this morning so I decided to take it with me, I felt really self conscious about it, felt like I was faking it or whatever, felt a bit paranoid using it. But it did take a lot of pressure off while standing and walking. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, I’ll only use it when I really really need it.

I’m not really sure how I feel about having to have these disability aids, it all feels a bit messy inside and I can’t really explain it. It needs to be untangled I think so I can process it and makes sense of it all in my head. At the moment I think I’ve just totally detached myself emotionally to the situation and just keep thinking rationally about it and not letting myself have an emotional response to it all and I know if I don’t it will all hit me at once, which won’t be good either. But I’m not really sure where to start with this one…was thinking maybe mindfulness…I don’t know.

Anyway group was actually good this week, the atmosphere felt a lot lighter and brighter and it ended up being a really good session. I signed myself up to do some courses at the Recovery Education Centre in September, so I’m really looking forward to that. Not sure what courses I’ll be doing yet but I’ll have a meeting with someone who will help me pick some courses that will be best suited to me.

Met L after group as I needed to give her some bits that she left Mon and that I’d forgotten to take to her on Tues lol. Chilled out at flirt for a bit which was nice.

Got home to my happy pups ๐Ÿ™‚ and I was hungry so did myself some dinner. Nipped to Asda as I needed some bits.

Just chilled out for a bit and then took pups across the road for a bit, so they could let off some steam.

I was very tempted to go to bed when I got in because I’m so tired, but I know I will only be up at 4 am if I went to bed at half 9 pm. So I’ve just been catching up on online stuff trying to keep my eyes open lol.

Meeting L and the boys tomorrow, taking them to the Oceanarium, I sooo can’t wait because they have a new penguin house there! EEEEEEK! ๐Ÿ™‚ so excited to see the new penguins. Should be a good day.

I’ll post some pictures when I eventually get my bloody laptop to recognise that the phone is plugged into it so I can transfer my pictures.

That’s all for now,

Peace out


Mindfulness is the best way to start the day

Wow I have had one busy day and it’s been non stop, but it’s been good and I got all my jobs done which is even better. I did start the day with some mindfulness and I think that helped me to keep going.

I’ve been up since 7 am and I was out with the pups by half 8 am. I was in town by 9 am paying bills and having a look in a few shops. I went up to the doctors to sort out my sharps box and I’ve got to go back tomorrow to pick it up, which again is a bit frustrating but… I’m over it now. On my way home I popped into the pet shop to get the cats and dogs food and some treats.

Got home to my happy pups and chilled with them for a bit, before heading back out to the shops to get something for lunch and dinner and maybe some more Lego lol ๐Ÿ™‚

After that quick shop, I chilled out for a bit and had some lunch. I did some stretches because my legs were and still are so sore and achy, it didn’t help much and neither are the pain killers. It’s just the side effects of the methotrexate injections from what I’ve been told about it anyway, it’s just frustrating as I have to deal with this on top of the joint pain too which has been bad today.

After my rest I took the pups across the road for a run, then went to the vets to get Foxy her booster jab done. She was so good bless her, she let out this quietest little squeak ever it was so sweet. The nurse was really impressed with her because she’s a perfect weight and very healthy, which is really great to here. The only thing she may have a problem with in the future is her knees on her back legs. He knee caps don’t sit in the joint properly, so in the future it could cause her a few issues and she may even need to have an operation. But as long as I keep her at a healthy weight and just as healthy as possible she shouldn’t have an issue.

We got home and I was actually hungry, so did my dinner straight away and ate the whole lot. I sat and played with my Lego for a bit but came over feeling a bit restless so I took the pups for a walk on our usual route.

It was a really nice walk, we talked to lots of people and other dogs and just had a nice little wander along the water. Feel really peaceful, centred and just settled, it’s a really nice feeling.

Just been relaxing this evening, I’m going to put fresh bed covers on, have a nice shower and do some mindfulness to finish off my day.

Tomorrow I am meeting a friend for a hot chocolate in the morning and after I’ll go pick up my sharps box. But the rest of the day I am going to relax and do some research on getting a bigger fan base on YouTube.

Well that’s it from me for today ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out


Bro day :)

*YAWN*ย I am one tired boy once again but I’ve had a busy day ๐Ÿ™‚ definitely not going to write much tonight because I need my beauty sleep lol.

I had a good start to the week, well apart from the small interruption of the mothership coming over for a short while. I slept for most of the morning, not getting out of bed until nearly midday. That is just how every Monday morning should start for all people! lol. I then spent a few hours sweating my butt off cleaning up the flat and I kept going off track and ended up sorting through my clothes…again and some drawers. I keep things I that I no longer need/use/wear etc but I hate getting rid of stuff but every now and again I feel ruthless and I get rid of stuff.

Ooh I had my perching stool delivered, which is for the kitchen. So that will help make cooking and doing the washing up much easier for me, so I am really pleased that it came.

The mothership came over for a bit, I just tolerated her presence. I was glad when she left though. My brother said to me today that he text our mum asking when she was going to take her son’s out for a drink and my bro said she didn’t even reply. Which doesn’t surprise me lol, I know she isn’t happy about me being trans* but I don’t care in the slightest what she thinks.

I went to Flirt for the trans* group social ๐Ÿ™‚ I didn’t take the pups as I wanted to eat dinner in peace. I had mac n cheese and man it was soooo nice! I’ll definitely be eating that again. It was a good group, had a good giggle. Not to mention the graphic content of M-F lower surgery details lol but it’s all very interesting how they do these operations.

Got home to my happy puppies and kitties ๐Ÿ™‚ we had snuggles on the sofa for a bit. I took the pups out for a pee before hoping into bed.

I slept ok-ish last night, took a while to get off to sleep because it was so sticky and hot last night and I was really achy too. Woke up a few times for about 20 mins but woke up properly about 10 am I think.

I met up with my brother and Leo in town, I paid my rent and got electric. I got my brother his birthday present, I got him to pick out what he wanted as he was with me. My bro did a bit of shopping too, we decided to go halves on getting Jack Jack a big Lego set for his birthday next month ๐Ÿ™‚ can’t wait, something we can all sit and do together.

We came back to mine to chill for a bit and I feed Leo his lunch, he had a whole jar and fruit lol, lil piggy! He had a lil snooze too. Took him to a lil park near mine for a little bit, which was nice. I went on the swing too which made Leo laugh lol ๐Ÿ™‚

After the park I got me and my bro burger king for lunch, cuz we were hungry boys!

Went to another shop cuz my bro needed milk and bread, I got my Leo two new tops ๐Ÿ™‚ and I bought myself some cool ninja turtles boxers! lol. We picked up the pups and my bro picked up his shopping and we walked to his place. I changed Leo’s butt and put him in his new top for mummy to see ๐Ÿ™‚

My bro dropped me and the pups at the vets on his way to pick up K. Pups had a good vets app, the nurse is pleased that scrappy tolerated the worming stuff and I booked foxy in for her booster jab in two weeks time. But yeah she’s happy with both of them ๐Ÿ™‚ ooh and there were so many little puppies coming in for their 1st jabs eeek, made me soooo broody for another puppy lol! But I am totally happy with my two pups.

After the vets I went back over to my brothers, played with Leo and fed him his dinner and pudding. Me and my bro were playing Lego Jurassic world, I kept hogging it though ๐Ÿ˜€ it was SO good. I really want it. K made me a sandwich for my dinner, I wasn’t hungry but I did need to eat something, so a sandwich filled a hole. Just had a cool chilled out evening with them, we were going to go down the Quay for bike night but my bro felt a bit funny cuz his sugars went low then no one could be bothered after that lol.

I dropped the pups home and quickly went to the shops to get a few bits of food shopping that will last me for a few days. My appetite is non existent again, I’ve been drinking more then I’ve been eating. I can’t figure out why my appetite is so all over the place but I’ve been thinking back to when I was younger and how I used to eat then and it’s not really changed much, I’ve always preferred to eat little then often then to sit down to eat a meal. I’ve set myself a goal and that is to eat at least one proper cooked meal once a week, so at least then I am getting what I need a little bit. It’s really hard to do a big food shop as I don’t know what I want from one day to the next, so just doing it bit by bit, so there’s less waste of food too.

Ooops I’ve rambled on a bit lol! No solid plans for tomorrow, I maybe having Leo for a bit so my brother can have some peace or we may take Leo out together, depends on how we are both feeling. But I’ll be looking forward to whatever happens tomorrow ๐Ÿ™‚

I love that we are getting so close now and I am loving spending time with Leo and getting to spend a bit more time with Jack Jack.

Peace out


Tired, achy me

I’ve been looking at this blank screen for about an hour, I’ve got lots to say but I’m really tired but can’t be bothered to move and don’t know where to start with this…I’m just typing without really looking or thinking. Flipping N keeps falling off the keyboard! so annoying.

Think my body is trying to have a shark week (period) I’ve been craving crappy foods, something I haven’t craved for in a while. I hope this passes.

Just looked over at the pups and it’s so sweet both are just fast asleep and have been for ages. I think I tired them out today, I took them out at 2pm to go and do some bits and bobs, a pet shop for food and the vets for flea stuff and worming stuff and we didn’t get back till about just gone 5 pm. Then this evening we went for a walk for about an hour and a half, they are totally worn out lol, as am I. My lil heart beats for them, they make me so happy ๐Ÿ™‚ โค I just hope I don’t lose them but I’m pretty confident I won’t.

Today’s been busy although I spend this morning sleeping. I went out paid bills, sent something in the post. Got pups their food and took them to the vets. Did the food shopping and took pups for a walk. It has been a good day ๐Ÿ™‚

Worried for a few of my friends at the moment, I just hope they will all be ok and things will work out. I don’t want to say too much about them but yeah, happy thoughts, good energies go out to them and I’ll do my best to be as a good as a friend as I can be to them.

I am off to bed soon, I’m so tired tonight. It’s all that rushing about I’ve done today but I’m just trying to stay as mobile as possible for as long as possible and walking through the pain.

Peace out


Busy busy boy!

I’ve been a busy boy today. Got lots done and I’m still busyย beavering away. I need to stop really but, I’m really into it lol.

I slept well last night and was wide awake when I woke up ๐Ÿ™‚

Went to see my psych this morning, had a pretty good appointment. He’s given me 25mgs of quetiapine to take as and when to help me sleep when I am completely off the 50mgs. He’s just generally happy for me and with how things are going. While I was up there I changed my title ๐Ÿ™‚ so well happy with that.

On my way home I went to the bank to change my title there and that went really well ๐Ÿ™‚ the lady I spoke to was really nice and I didn’t need any proof as your title is social rather then legal. I only did it through deed poll because I had to drop my middle name.

I got in to my happy puppies ๐Ÿ™‚ and I took them across the road for a run about. Dropped then back and nipped to asda for a few bits and ended up treating myself to a dvd! :p

When I got in I spent the afternoon looking up numbers and sorting things out with my name of title. I managed 9 places and everyone was actually really nice and really helpful. I was actually shocked but it was nice ๐Ÿ™‚ all of them were woman…maybe it would be different it I spoke to guys I don’t know. But yeah very positive!

While I was doing that I finally booked miss Foxy in to be spayed, so next week she has an app for a check up and then after that I can book her in to be spayed. It really needs to be sorted! So glad its going to be done.

I then spent AGES sorting out getting my scanner to work, so I could do some copies of my deed poll as I need to send some off a few places. I then came up with the bright idea of taking my book of mandala’s apart to scan into the laptop and print off. So that’s what I’ve been doing ๐Ÿ™‚ its now 8:30 pm and I’ve not stopped all day! I am writing this in between scanning and printing ๐Ÿ™‚

I have my little Leo in the morning, I need to go down to the council to do a few things as well. My head is racing with things I have to do! and want it all done now lol.

So yeah busy busy boy. But I am feeling so great, just so happy ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out