Pushing through the dark

I woke up today just not wanting to participate in life at all, just wanted to hide. But I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t settle on doing any one thing and Scrappy kept looking at me with his big puppy dog eyes.

With much effort and a lot of complaining and swearing lol, I got myself up and ready. Every step to get ready felt so difficult and almost impossible to do, but I stuck with it and finally was showered and dressed.

I got ready to take the dogs out, I was undecided as to where I was going to take them. But as soon as we stepped outside it started raining, only a little shower at first, so I kept walking and then it rained heavily for about 5 minutes. We’d just gone to the green across the road, as they needed to go pee anyway. The rain stopped and the sun came out, it was pretty windy, so it was moving the clouds out the way.

As we were already soaked, I decided to go to Baiter for a walk, Foxy wasn’t overly happy with being soaked but we all soon dried off in the sunshine.

There weren’t many people down there, which was perfect. It was good to be outside, despite the struggle it took to force myself out, I’m always happy to be out.

I took some nice pictures, the dogs had a blast which makes me so happy, watching them playing and having so much fun.

I feel like I can breathe when I’m outside in nature, I feel free. I’m glad we got out in between the rain and storms, we’ve got more headed our way this weekend.

Here are all the pictures I took this afternoon

I’m feeling a bit more relaxed now, then I was this morning. It’s amazing what a bit of fresh air can do to help lift your mood a bit.

That’s all for now, I hope you enjoy this blog and my pictures.

Peace out

Zak

Saturday Afternoon Walk

The sunshine has finally arrived! and Saturday afternoon it was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was a bit chilly but it was a perfect day for a dog walk.

I was feeling pretty indecisive and a bit agitated, I wanted to do something but wasn’t sure what.

I finally managed to make a decision and force myself to go out. I grabbed my bag and Scrappy and we went for a walk.

We were out for a few hours and I got some great pictures, Scrappy had himself a great time. He swam in the sea, ran through the mud, played with other dogs and kids, found a ball… like he always does lol! He looked like a swamp dog when we got home and had a shower.

I felt good for getting out, I always do. It’s just getting out that sometimes I really struggle with, but always love being out.

I love photography and only use my iPhone, here are some shots I took. I hope you like them.

Peace out

Zak

Dealing with disassociation – with self care

Schedule for tomorrow, this helps so much with disassociation and trying to get some stuff done. It’s mostly dependent on weather, pain and energy levels. I’m hoping I don’t feel as wiped out tomorrow so Scrappy and I can get out for a good walk, I may take Fox if it’s not too cold.

For me this is a form of self care whilst helping me stay in the moment. But I always make sure how I’m feeling before doing anything, so that my physical health is also taken into consideration, as well as my mental health.

I’m hoping I can get out and walk the dogs tomorrow as I was so wiped out this weekend because of the pneumonia jab I had Friday, but if I still need another day to rest and recover the that’s ok too, I have other low energy things that need to be done at some point as well.

I never put pressure on myself to complete everything and in the time scales I’ve set. It’s more of a reminder of what I need and want to do and having a rough time scale helps. If I manage everything then brilliant, it does make me feel good and even if I don’t manage everything but do a few things then that’s great as well and also makes me feel good because at least I’ve done something. But if I don’t manage anything at all because I’m in too much pain or too exhausted or both then that’s also absolutely fine too, because resting and doing nothing is as good as being productive because it’s still extremely important self care

Peace out

Zak

Beyond Exhausted

It’s only Monday and I’ve got a good feeling about this week and about the “stuff” going on in my life 🙂

I really struggled to get going this morning, I felt so so tired and felt like I hadn’t slept at all even though I’d had a really good nights sleep.

The flat was an absolute state and I really needed to get the housework done, not only because I wanted it done but someone was coming over to help me with my PIP appeal.

I literally had to drag myself around the flat to tidy up bit by bit and it took every ounce of the little energy I had to sort it out.

I then used my last bit of energy to have a shower and get dressed. I also took the pups out for a quick wee and a run, how I made it over the road and back I don’t know. I was running on empty by this point.

Hate feeling this exhausted, it makes me feel so weak and everything is so much more of an effort to do anything at all. Its almost like I’m carrying a person on my back and someone holding on to my ankles holding me back from walking. It makes me feel so dragged down, its really hard to explain to someone who’s never experienced it. All I want to do when I feel like that is sleep and all I can do when I feel like that is sleep.

Sadly I couldn’t sleep right away, as I had a lady come over to help me sort out my appeal for my PIP (personal independent payment) She was really nice and we spent nearly two hours talking about my conditions. She said they that I should have been given a point for having a pill box! Not that it would have made much of a difference BUT it’s utterly disgusting that they did not write that down. Most things I said they didn’t write down.

Anyway she seemed quite hopeful about my chances and she thinks that if my docs write me some good letters that it shouldn’t go further then a mandatory reconsideration, which should take about 6 weeks-ish. I am really hoping that it doesn’t have to go further then this but I will be ready just in case I have to fight it further.

She said I have a strong case for the care component part of the claim but the mobility component part of the claim maybe a bit trickier purely because I’m not in a wheelchair and it’s hard to judge me pain, how far I can walk etc. But she said there is something I can do to help that part, which is to measure my step and then count how many steps I can take before I am in pain and or have to stop and do that for say 3 different days in a week and then she can do the maths and work out an average of how far I can walk and hopefully that will be enough to help with that part of the claim.

At one point we were talking about who cares for me, e.g a social worker..etc and I said no one and that’s not because I don’t want/need that kind of support but because it’s simply not available. I had a social worker, she saw me once and that was only to get my stool for my kitchen stool and shower stool. All the services are over stretched and have no time for people like me who appear to be capable or whatever. But I have to deal with my life by myself because I have no other choice, it’s such a catch 22 situation. It just highlights to me that I do have a lot of needs that are being met because I put an extraordinary amount of energy into every aspect of my life. But I do wish I had a social worker or whoever to help me with appointments, or sorting medications or just to talk too. I know that this kind of support would be invaluable for me, it’s just simply not available and people like me are slipping through the net and aren’t getting what they need and it’s so so sad to thing there are others like me suffering because of the lack of services.

Appointments like this always bring up so much for me and makes me think about my illnesses and how much it effects my life and it doesn’t make me feel good. I hate this illness so much but I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone…I won’t go on too much as I don’t want it to effect my mood any more then it already has.

Anyway the lady left just before 2 pm and I had just about enough energy to let her out and then collapsed into bed, where I slept until 4 pm…yeah I wasn’t tired at all..and I’m totally fit for work! lol

My friend H popped over for a bit to kill some time before an appointment, so that was nice to catch up with her for a bit.

I managed to eat dinner tonight, I had rice and my beef stroganoff and I managed to eat the majority of it as well. So pleased I could eat properly and hopefully I will be able to continue to eat well again. Tomorrow I’m making sausage and bean casserole in the slow cooker 🙂 so looking forward to that.

Went to the chemist this evening to pick up some medications that I had ordered last week. But my meds weren’t ready, usually when this happens it really annoys me because it’s either a cock up caused by the chemist or the doctors. Today however was different because no one has messed anything up, so the lady explained that my doctors surgery had said that they had taken me off their system and are in the process of putting my details back onto the system. The lady was a bit confused as to why they were doing it and why I was pretty much bouncing up and down lol! This means they are FINALLY changing my title and my gender and I will get a new NHS number, it’s only taken them nearly a year to sort this out. But that’s irrelevant now as it’s being done.

I cannot express how happy this has made me, even though its a pretty minor detail in the grand scheme of things. But because I am in a sort of limbo while I’m waiting to be seen at the gender clinic and I’ve had to fight for this as well, so it feels like a small victory! So yeah I am a very happy boy right now 🙂

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, I feel happy and I feel relived as well. I just hope everything with my benefits goes in my favour and it doesn’t take too long.

 I woke up to this after my nap ❤ aw they are so cute ❤ Miss Marley moo and Foxy girl.

Right I gotta get myself ready for bed, I need my beauty sleep lol.

Peace out

Batman

Anger Issues and Great Friends

Sunday again..it seems to come around quicker every week and wow what a week it’s been.

How would I describe this week? Well this week has been filled with high emotion, mainly anger and frustration, with a bit of crying and some happy days. But the anger was really fucking intense, like I felt like the hulk and just wanted to smash everything. I hate feeling like that though because I feel so out of control and I kinda scare myself too..like is that normal? I don’t know, maybe it is.

My anger issues became worse after my dad died, which is a normal part of the grieving process and it did subside for a while. But since coming out as transgender my anger is a bit of a issue again, some days even smalls things makes my blood absolutely boil and I become angry in an instant.

It’s probably due to a number of things, like having issues with changing my details at my doctors and the fact he took so long to refer me to the gender clinic, which is another battle I have to fight. Then on top of that I am dealing with gender dysphoria, so disassociation from myself, mind and body. The frustration of constantly being misgendered and the fact I can’t bind my chest..yeah the list of frustrations about the transition as it is right now just goes on and on. I know I will be happier in the long run and it will be worth it, but it’s been a massive trigger for me not being able to control my anger. Through all of this crap though I’ve only resorted to cutting once 🙂 which I am proud of because before I did DBT, if faced with a situation like this then I would have just succumbed to my self harm addiction and it would have totally taken over me and I would have had NO control. But because I have done DBT and I have grown as a person, the addiction, my dark passenger is no longer in control of me. I am totally in control of my dark passenger now and he’s never far behind me and he will probably always be with me, but right now my dark passenger has now power, I’ve taken the power back. In two and a half years I’ve only cut once and that’s just a huge thing for me, as at one point in my life I cut every single day. So yeah I have come a hell of a long way and I am extremely proud of myself for that.

I did a course on anger management, not for myself though. I did that course when I was working with young people, so it was about how to work with people with anger issues..anyway I mention this because I think I may still have the paper work some where and it could be useful for me to look at and do some of the worksheets…Might be worth a bash!

I am still doing my mindfulness, although the last few weeks it has been difficult to sit and do because I’ve either been too tired and it’s made me fall asleep or I’ve just not been calm enough or been able to get myself into a place where I have been able to sit and meditate. Next week is a fresh week and I will try again 🙂 I do need some grounding and relaxation, I need to get back into my body and relax my body.

Since my last post I have had 3 good days and I do feel more relaxed and happier then I have done this past few weeks. I love that I have amazing network of friends around me now, a few years ago I didn’t and I would have just sunk. But now with my friends and my groups I can keep myself afloat.

Friday was really busy, the dogs had their haircut in the morning and I had the doctors in the afternoon and I spent 4 hours in the evening baking things for the weekend.

The doctors went ok, I have more antibiotics and if after them I still feel rough then I’ve gotta do a sputum sample and he will refer me back to ears, nose and throat. Also got to mention it to the chest doc tomorrow and see if he has any ideas about what we can do. My gp is going to back me up to the benefits people, as he’s been asked to do a report for ESA. So yeah I am really pleased about that. The last few times I’ve been to see him I’ve been really emotional lol and close to crying, out of sheer frustration. But he’s great and he’s such a lovely GP.

Saturday I did the housework in the morning and in the afternoon I had friends over for Foxy’s birthday party. Which was so much fun, all 4 dogs had a great time playing with each other and eating their little cakes. We also went for a short walk and got home just before it started raining.

H came over for a few hours, which was so great to see her as I know she is really struggling right now. So I really appreciated the fact she came over 🙂

L and Harvey ended up staying the night, so that was cool. We had burger king for dinner and watched Batman films. I let Harvey have a go on my Lego Jurassic world game and he LOVED it lol and asked me to buy it for him, cheeky boy. So I said I might get it for his birthday if he’s a good boy.

After Harvey went to bed, L dyed her hair pink and we put a bit on foxy too lol. Then we watched Sinister 2 🙂 and I had to watch something funny after or I wouldn’t have slept lol!

L and Harvey left early this morning, so I could go nap for a bit. I then got on it like sonic, did the housework, put dinner on in the slow cooker, had a shower and took the pups out for a quick wee.

Then I was all calm and ready for my two friends who came over for dinner. They spent all afternoon until the evening with me, they enjoyed the dinner I made and I really enjoyed cooking it. E had brought over a crumble that she had made and that was so yum. We played the card game that E taught me how to play and I really love it 🙂

So yes a great 3 day which I totally needed, I am extremely blessed to have these people in my life. I hope I lift them up as much as they lift me up.

This week isn’t too busy, I have the hospital tomorrow and group social in the evening, that’s if I feel ok enough. I have my 1:1 gender counselling Tues and Mindout LGBT mental health group social on Thursday and I am hoping to feel well enough to go to my friends boy’s birthday party  on Sunday.

Apart from tomorrows appointment, I am looking forward to this week. I do have lots to sort out, I need to look through my bills and see what I can cut or get down a bit. Need to ring Diverse abilities again to get an appointment with someone to help sort out my ESA. I just need to get super organised and stock up on essentials for me and the pups, in hope to take the pressure off when my money goes down in two weeks from this Tues.

Urgh when I did I get so grown up and have to deal with all this lol! I hate this adult stuff, I want a refund! It is NOT as it was advertised.

How am I feeling right now in this moment after writing this blog? Well I am extremely tired and I wasn’t going to write but I kinda needed too and I feel so much better for it, I always do. I feel happy and I suppose you could say I feel content in this moment, I feel relaxed too. I also feel strong, strong enough to sort my benefits out, strong enough to win this fight. I know there will be times when I won’t feel strong. But in this moment I feel very strong and capable, this is down to cooking for friends this evening, I feel proud of myself for that.

Here are some pics from the last few days

 Me looking and feeling hella fly!

 My beautiful foxy girl after her haircut.

 Harvey

 Foxy, Scrappy and Arnie 🙂

 Benny and Arnie 🙂

Peace out

Batman

8 day old post

A 8 day old post that I just didn’t share for some reason…

Two weeks of no methotrexate and I am doing ok 🙂 I feel a bit more energetic which is odd but I am not sure if it is the bipolar or from not being on the methotrexate, its hard to tell the difference sometimes. It could be the bipolar as I have been feeling quite agitated recently.

Stomach is feeling much better, apart from a small sore patch but I think that is from an injection. But apart from that I can eat and it stays in! woohoo lol.

I am still waiting for an email from someone who will be able to help me get seen by a proper specialist in Southampton hospital.

But yeah generally doing much better then I was 🙂 just trying to make sure that I look after myself.

I have stopped making myself eat and sleep when “normal” people eat and sleep because my body is just not in a “normal” routine at all and trying to sleep from say 11 pm until 8 am and eat 3 meals a day is just not working for me at all and is actually quite stressful and I think maybe that is why I’ve been feeling agitated.

I’ve still been struggling to sleep so I’ve decided to sleep as and when I am sleepy, rather then forcing myself to sleep throughout the night because I am wide awake most mornings by 5 am, some days I just rest in the afternoon or I may nap it just depends.

Same with food I’ve been really struggling with eating again and I’ve not been eating proper meals purely because that’s not what my body is really wanting. So at the moment I’ve just been eating sandwiches.. not the best thing ever but I’ve tried to eat soup an other stuff but I’ve just not eaten it because just the thought of eating anything other then what I am makes me feel ill..it’s all very weird an complicated. But yeah just going with what my body wants rather then fighting against it and making myself feel stressed.

Peace out

Batman

Sulphur burp Sunday

So going to write a quick catch up, I am going to get myself to bed fairly early tonight and not 2 am again.

I’ve felt a bit better today, although my stomach has still felt sore. Especially after eating, even just small amounts. Which is really annoying because I’m hungry but not and still nervous about eating too. Because I don’t want to be sick :/

I did manage to take to dogs for a proper walk today, which was great. They really needed a decent walk, as we’ve not been out much all week. It was good fun though and both the pups were soaked when we got back lol. I went out all dressed in my waterproofs and welly boots, it wasn’t raining but it had been raining all week long. It still looked like it could rain as well, so I wanted to be prepared. I’m glad I did because I could jump about in the puddles with scrappy.

It made me feel so exhausted after and I had to have a lil sleep when I got in, I so needed it though.

I now have sulphur burps…. which are so gross! I am hoping that it doesn’t mean I’m going to be up half the night vomiting. I think I have anti-sickness meds somewhere, so I am going to have a look at that in a minute. I really need to settle my stomach properly so I can feel better.

I am feeling a little better within myself for just taking the dogs out for a walk. I’m still feeling quite low and lonely but hopefully my stomach will settle so my mood can start picking up again.

Going to take the pups out for a wee, take my meds and watch a film in bed. I definitely need an early night and I am so so hoping that I am not up sick all night 😦

Peace out

Batman

Teeth extractions.

WOOHOO! I had my teeth extracted yesterday. I ended up having 3 out instead of two but that was ok because they all needed doing.

It all went well, apart from the first cannula they put in. I’ve got a huge bruise on the back of my hand and it’s really sore. When I woke up straight away I said take it out because it really hurt, so they did. Then I got so so cold and they had to warm me up, but I remember that happening last time. My blood pressure was really high for a bit, so had to stay in recovery for a bit, until it came down. Eventually went onto the ward, had a drink and ate my jelly and I was home by 2:30 pm 🙂 The mother picked me up but I wasn’t happy with her, kept calling me my birth name…ugh, so disrespectful. Luckily mother didn’t stay long and H came over not long after I got home, which was good.

I had a raging migraine after, my jaw was really sore and my hips as well but I think that’s where I got really cold when I woke up. H and I hung out for a bit but by 7 pm I just needed to sleep for a bit because my head was killing and my hips were so sore. I only slept for just over an hour but I felt better for it.

H helped me take the pups out for a wee and after I had a shower to warm up and to get the smell of hospital off me lol.

I managed to get all my piercings back in, except one. My middle lip bar, but I knew I wouldn’t as that starts healing up just after an hour of it being out. So I’m going to leave it out for now and get it re done later down the line.

I slept really well last night, which is not surprising. Head was still a lil sore and my hips were too. H and I just chilled out for most of the day. I had a lil afternoon nap because I was tired and achy. H left mine at about 4 pm, so I got myself showered and dressed, took my pain killers and took the pups out for a walk. We ended up being out for 2 hours, I wasn’t meant to be out that long lol, I’m still really meant to be resting but I’d had enough of resting already. But it was a nice walk and ended up chatting to some guy who was really nice 🙂

Just been chilling this evening, I’ve been managing to eat ok. But only yoghurt and stuff, it’s enough though. I’ve lost 3lbs in the last two weeks, I’m 9st 1lbs now! WOOHOO! pretty much what I was before quetiapine, so pleased with that.

I’m so tired now, so I think it maybe time for bed very soon 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Recovering from depression, anxiety and disassociation

So I’ve haven’t written in a few days because I’ve just not been in the mood to write, well I’ve not really been in the mood to do anything at all.

I’ve been in a real funk, I’ve been feeling mega anxious, totally disassociated from everything, depressed, overwhelmed and just feeling totally fucking shit. I’ve struggled to even talk let alone get up and do stuff. But I’ve spent today just relaxing and I did clean the flat so I am feeling a bit better.

I suppose I’ll write a quick catch up.

Fri – I slept well Thurs night, but it took every ounce of energy I had to get up, eat and get showered and dressed. But I did it eventually, I was just in survival mode, totally shut down.

My best friend came over and she treated me to the cinema, we went and saw The Maze Runner – Scorch Trials in 3D. It was so good 🙂 really enjoyed it and for that time the film was on I felt better.

When we got back from the film, we chilled out for a bit and then decided what to do for dinner.

We took the pups down Baiter for a walk, H borrowed a pair of my trainers so her nice white trainers didn’t get wrecked lol. It’s really boggy down there atm, so don’t blame her. It was so nice to go for a walk together and the cinema as we’ve not done that for so so long and I did really enjoy it 🙂 Scrappy had great fun running through the massive puddles and Foxy had fun chasing the birds lol.

H got KFC on the way home and she got me something from there too. We got back, ate and put on a film, but we ended up chatting about stuff which was nice. I’ve really missed hanging out with her just chatting and stuff.

I couldn’t even tell my friend who I’ve been best friends for, for about 15 years now that I self harmed. I just couldn’t, I couldn’t verbalize it at all. I felt really frustrated that I couldn’t tell her either…. But I suppose if I say it out loud it makes it real.

Saturday – I woke up about 9:30am, had something to eat and drink and fell back to sleep until 11 am. We didn’t get to bed till late, so I needed that sleep.

H and I just chilled out for a bit, I eventually got showered and dressed.

H left and I still wasn’t feeling good and I just couldn’t get my head together, so I went to bed for a sleep for nearly 2 hours. I totally needed it though.

I’d said to my brother I’d go over, so I took the pups out, took them home and sorted them out and headed to my brothers.

Had fun playing with the boys and chasing my bro with the nerf guns 🙂

Got home, took the pups for a wee and just sat for a bit. Eventually got to bed.

That brings us back to now… Sunday, rest day.

I’ve spent most of the day either sat down, laying down, sleeping and watching tv. However I did manage to sort myself out and do some housework and laundry. That made me my head feel a bit more sorted then it has been.

So I had decided that I just couldn’t go to London on Tues, not on my own… I was meant to be meeting a friend before the workshop. But things have changed now due to crap circumstances but that’s life. So now I’m not meeting my friend cuz bless him he’s not able to now. I was totally freaking out about it and I had a lot of anxiety about it because it’s not somewhere I’ve been before and London is so busy. But I’ve decided to be a big boy and just do it! Even if that means going by myself. I know I will kick myself if I don’t. I’m 30 years old, I can’t have people holding my hand throughout life. So I’m going to do it, I feel nervous but excited about it again.

I’m feeling tired, drained, just totally exhausted. I do feel happy that I’ve decided to go to London for my workshop at the gender clinic. I think I need a bit more rest to recover from everything. I know I can get back up again. I’ll be ok, I always am because I have to be. I have no idea what it is that keeps me going but whatever it is I hope I never lose it 🙂

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman

Survival mode

Once again I’ve just been staring blankly at the computer screen because I have no idea where to start and I’m not even sure how I feel or what’s really going on. All I know is that I just have to get through it. Whatever it is…

So yeah last night didn’t end in the best way possible. Well it depends how you look at it. I ended up cutting… a few times, only small nothing major at all. But after 2 years of being abstinent from it but hey it’s my reward for doing so well lol! Urgh I don’t know, I’m in a state of total disassociation right now. It’s because I have to in order to get through. I’ve just gone into survival mode.

I did my morning stuff… to get ready for group. I don’t really remember much, I just went into auto pilot.

Got to group, I was anxious as fuck! I’m not sure where that came from either. I was so fidgety and really restless and I struggled to concentrate. A few times I nearly walked out because I felt uncomfortable. But in the break and I spoke to M about what I did, which was difficult. She was really nice though and really understanding and it did help settle my anxiety.

Got home just before 5pm. Didn’t really know what to do with myself. I didn’t want to eat dinner, so I cooked up the chicken breast that I needed to eat, so it didn’t go to waste and I gave it to my fur babies. I just had a jam sandwich and pain killers.

Took the pups for a walk because they needed it. Both pups were filthy when we got in, so I washed them both and I had a shower too. I’ve been sat in my pjs since.

It’s taken me so fucking long to write this because my brain doesn’t work. And I don’t even know how I feel or even what’s really going on tbh.

Urgh…

Batman