Toxic positivity

What is toxic positivity? Well its this

Its something I experience a lot from others but also I do it myself. I invalidate my own feelings, mainly because I get sick to death of feeling so shit all the time, I just try and fake it till I make it, but that’s such a bad thing. As it doesn’t acknowledge or validate your situation and feelings and without that validation then how you feel will often last longer as your not being true to yourself.

It’s also something that I have really noticed recently in the spiritual/new age community and its not cool. Over the last few months I’ve felt increasingly like I don’t belong in the spiritual community because I’m not as knowledgeable, I’m not spiritual enough, I’m too depressed etc the list goes on. No matter what religion/community you belong too, it shouldn’t make you feel like an outsider. It should be a place of love and unity but its not and I’ve found that it’s just full of fakes, who say one thing but who’s actions are the complete opposite of what they speak and I’m not ok with that. That’s not the type of people I want to be associated with, so I decided to leave every facebook page and group I belonged to and remove most people from that community off my facebook.

I was sick of seeing the streams and streams and positive shit, I mean I love my quotes and stuff but it got to the point where seeing all this stuff was making me feel more worthless then I already do because everyone in these groups makes living life and being happy seem so fucking simple, its like they all know this secret to a happy life but aren’t allowed to tell me, I’ve just got to put up with seeing the fake stuff, oh just meditate and you’ll be happy, connect to your higher self and you’ll have all these special gifts… and yeah it all feels so unobtainable to someone like me, who’s on my own and I don’t have anyone to guide me or teach me.

It was just all getting to be really overwhelming and then its like all of a sudden I saw just how self centred and fake everyone is because life isn’t fucking perfect no matter how spiritual you are because your still here living the human experience. I often feel that there’s a sense of superiority within the community, because they have all these gifts and whatever that they are better then everyone.

This is all just how I feel and it could well be a reflection of how I’m feeling in general right now, but no one’s noticed I’ve left or removed them of my facebook, so kinda makes my point really. Community is meant to care for everyone not some.

I’ve also had a lot of toxic positivity from friends who will over generalise whatever I say by saying oh well everyone is struggling right now, everyone is in the same situation. Which while yes its true, that doesn’t make me feel good and I struggle to open up to people and be vulnerable and tell people the truth about how I feel. I very rarely express how I really feel because I don’t easily trust people’s words, I often don’t feel safe enough to be honest and the times I have been honest I either get one of 2 reactions. I either get invalidated and they’ll talk in general or the person will over react and in doing that then makes it about them. So either way I often left feeling invalidated, so my automatic response is usually I’m good thanks as it doesn’t invite any more questions. Also I find people want to fix it for you, they listen to reply, they listen to help and that’s not always helpful either. Being heard by someone can make you feel 10 times better then any advice as often all I want it be heard, acknowledged and validated and sometimes that’s all anyone needs.

I know I am a rescuer type personality and its something I have become very aware of over the last few years and its really hard walking away from people but constantly rescuing something is draining. But its so hard not to rescue people, not go above and beyond to help people just to make myself feel better, to make myself feel useful and worthy. But I can’t rescue the world when I can barely rescue myself.

I’m not completely sworn off spirituality despite the situation I find myself in, I still have my spiritual beliefs and I will still be open to learning more. I just don’t want to be stuck in a box or community, I want to explore what’s out there. I will always try to be one with earth and the universe.

Maybe this post has helped you recognise toxic positivity, whether that’s because you’ve experienced it or are guilty of it. Which I think we all are to a degree, non of us are perfect.

Keep being authentic

Peace out

Zak

Self care – Honouring your emotions

Honouring my emotions is not something that comes easily to me, mainly because its so uncomfortable. I really hate sitting with how I feel, I’m always trying to make myself feel better, but I’ve realised in doing so I’ve been making the situation worse.

Lately I’ve been doing so much to distract myself, that I’ve ended up running away from how I actually feel inside and I’ve been ignoring how my body feels and its been shouting at me.

I hate feeling depressed and anxious, so I’ve been distracting myself. All this has done is magnify the depression and anxiety and made it worse.

This weekend I decided that I need to just sit and be and feel my emotions. Which has been difficult and uncomfortable and I can feel the sadness and darkness slowly creeping in, I feel vulnerable and emotional, I feel on the verge of tears but haven’t been able to let myself cry. I also somehow feel a bit more relaxed, less tight and intense. I feel a bit calmer then I have done.

Just sitting with how I feel seems to be helping, I’m going to try my best to continue to sit with how I feel and observe and notice when I am trying to hard to run from how I feel.

Sometimes self care isn’t about doing, sometimes its about doing nothing and just sitting and feeling the emotions, no matter how difficult it is.

I hate sitting with the darkness because I know it can be stronger then I feel. It makes me feel so weak and worthless, I know the depths of the darkness, I’ve been there before.

Obviously going to counselling is stirring lots of things up for me, helping me deal with stuff that happened last year with friendships, relationship and older stuff. It feels different to counselling I’ve had before, I feel more open, laid bare. I feel like this will really help with meaningful healing.

I surrender, I cannot control my emotions, I cannot control the darkness, I trust that in my surrendering the universe will provide me with healing and continue to guide me to my inner light.

Peace out

Zak

Laid bare

I’ve been mia for a while, I’ve not been posting regularly like I was, for a number of reasons, which I’ll explain as I write this.

I’m feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment, so this is going to be hard and uncomfortable. But it’s something I need to do, I need to get it out and be brave and open myself up.

I’ve been really shut down for the last 8 months, which was around when I spilt up with the person I was dating last year.

I opened myself up and ended up getting hurt, so I did what I always do when I’m hurt, I just shut down, shut everyone out. But I’ve learnt all that does it hurt me more and other people cuz I’m often a absolute dick to people, which I hate but it feels safer then being vulnerable with people.

I’m still good friends with the person I was with last year, which I love but at the moment it’s really hard to not be super needy and just need them and want them to be here and make everything better.. which is ironically where I went wrong in the relationship. I put her on a pedestal and hoped being with her would fix everything and that’s a lot to expect from one person let alone a relationship. That’s not how they work and that’s where I seem to always go wrong. My feelings always just get too intense and I get too much, I expect too much and actually this time I crossed major privacy boundaries and went through her phone, which I regret and still feel so guilty about. I behaved like a jealous child. But it was like an impulse I just couldn’t control. I still give myself a hard time about it, I’ve not forgiven myself yet.

Ultimately the breakup was mutual although she initiated it. It wasn’t meant to work out.

I need to be with someone who’s not embarrassed to be with me, who won’t hide the fact their with me, I deserve that much I know.

From there my mental health has just spiralled down. I think I’ve disconnected with anything mental health related because I didn’t want to have it anymore, I just wanted to be fixed and move on and just have a good life, like everybody else. But I realise I’ll never be like everyone else, maybe I was always meant to stand out and be different which I hate because I’ve tried so hard my whole life to fit in but I never have. Maybe this is it, maybe I’ll always have to work harder then everyone else just to be where I want to be.

Everyone shines, they know who they are, where they’re going in life. I still at 34 have no idea who I am, what I want. I don’t try because I’m so scared to fail but I’m also scared to succeed. I hate being centre of attention. I have no self esteem anymore, I don’t think I ever did. The last few months I’ve just been listening to the negative words running through my head every second of every day, mentally bashing myself. I’m so horrible to myself but I can’t stop.

I doubt this will make much sense because I’m really struggling to organise my brain and thoughts, everything is just all over the place. My brain is just all jumbled up at the moment and it takes so much energy to just get myself organised enough to get out of the flat.

I’ve been trying really hard to fake it till I make it, but I really can’t do it anymore, it’s too hard and it’s not working. I got myself a voluntary job, I started a social group etc I thought it would help and for the most part when I’m out doing stuff it helps, but as soon as I’m on my own again it’s like a switch gets flicked off and my brain is just done.

I’ve really been struggling with depression, anxiety, insomnia, disassociation, gender dysphoria and it’s all just overwhelming and too much for me to deal with alone anymore. So I made an appointment with my GP, I’m going to ask him to refer me back to the community mental health team, I need meds upped and probably need some therapy or something. But this time I need to be super honest and not hold everything in like I can just handle it all, because well no one can do that, not forever anyway.

I think recently I’ve felt worse, for a few reasons, I’m just emotionally exhausted from trying to hold everything together on my own, I’ve stopped doing things that I know help, I’ve been spending too much time on social media, wishing my life was different, knowing full well social media creates a fake reality, it still effects me. I’ve just had zero motivation to do anything, I have to push myself from the moment I get up, some days I can do stuff other days I fail and the furthest I get is from my bed to the sofa and back, with 2 15 mins walks for my dogs.

I don’t feel anything either, just numb all the time.

Everyday I wake up and pretend everything is ok and just fake my way through what I have to do. But inside all I want to do is just be at home where I feel safe. I’m a pretty good actor, some days in front of certain friends I can’t hide it and the darkness seeps out but to most people they see me smiling and happy and it couldn’t be more opposite.

It’s getting harder to just pretend, it’s getting harder to keep it together, it’s getting harder to keep everything inside.

I feel so small, so worthless and that’s another reason I’ve not sought help sooner is because I am trans and have physical health issues, I feel like I don’t deserve help because I already have so many issues. I’m just a drain on society so why waste more money on me.

I know it’s completely self loathing and probably comes across like I’m playing the victim or something (something I’ve recently been told I was doing and tbh hands up I probably was because I was angry and I couldn’t be the rational adult I know I can be) but it’s genuinely how I feel like a lot, all this negative mass of self loathing words swirling around my head daily, I try and say nice things to myself but I just don’t connect with them so I just can’t believe them.

I need help, I need support, whether that be meds’ and therapy or whatever but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact I just can’t do this on my own anymore. My GP is ringing me tomorrow and hopefully I can say everything I need too and maybe get referred back to the community mental health team.

I don’t want to feel like this forever, I want to feel better and I want to feel better about myself and stop destroying myself. I want to try and fail and try again until I succeed at something.

I want help with dealing with disassociation, I’ve just been doing things myself on a trial and error basis to help my dissociative moments. I don’t know if it’s the right thing or not and what I try and do to help myself doesn’t always work. I want to feel more connected with myself, at the moment myself, my brain and body just seems to be fragments floating around bumping into each other but never connecting. It’s really weird, I want to feel like a whole person.

I’m just so emotionally exhausted, I just want some relief. I feel like I’m wading through mud with no end in sight, I’ve ran out of ideas and steam, I can’t help myself anymore on my own. I wake up just as exhausted as when I went to sleep.

So yeah this is me laid bare, heart on the table.

Peace out

Zak

Still here

Again I’ve not written for a few months for various reasons. One being that I’ve not really been present, I’ve been disconnected and just in my own little world lately.

The other reason is I often don’t feel like I have anything new to say or anything different to offer anyone. I’m not one for “content” and all that stuff. I’ve always blogged for me and part of me does want to be able to make a living from writing, whether that be blogging or whatever. But I always think I’m not good enough at anything, so I don’t try. If you don’t try you can’t fail right? But either way doesn’t make me feel good…

I have been writing a lot, but I’ve just not published anything. I have loads of blogs I’ve planned to do but just didn’t do it. Like 18 months on testosterone update, I just didn’t do it, which is sad for me because I enjoy writing and blogging.

It all goes back to zero self esteem and I’ve just been dealing with a lot too.

Back in January I was just so angry, so frustrated, so depressed that I just shut everybody out, I was just done. I’d had enough and to start with it was really hard being so lonely but I tried to make the best of it like I do with everything and some days we’re really good but ultimately I was still really lonely. I’ve realised I can’t push everyone away, so I’ve added a few people back on fb, reached out to others.

It’s still really hard and uncomfortable and I still feel so fed up with always reaching out and not getting much back, but any rejection is hard to deal with and I suppose it’s something I gotta work on and deal with.

I still feel very much like an outsider, I’m not one of these people who opens up easily to others, I don’t like to insert myself into people’s life, mainly because I don’t feel like I’m wanted… there’s that low self esteem again 😔 maybe I’ll always been an outsider, maybe one day I’ll find my tribe. I dunno.

I need to try learn to take compliments too, I’ve had a few recently and it makes me feel so uncomfortable, it makes me feel really cringy and weird and I always just think people say nice stuff cuz they have too, I always doubt it’s sincerity. It’s not something I’ve ever been good at, I tend to just deflect when I get a compliment. But I need to start saying thank you and maybe writing them down so I can reread it and see that I’m not as worthless as I think I am.

I will update more often and maybe upload stuff I’ve previously written, some of which is pretty dark and emotional but maybe if I get it out on here it will help me work through it.

Peace out

Zak

Lost boy

When I’m feeling low and I make silly mistakes it’s hard not to tear myself down.

For example, I’m currently on the coach to London and I was feeling ok. But then I forgot to pick up my appointment letter and deed poll. So now I feel like shit, negative thoughts running through my head. Like how can I be so fucking stupid!? I even had it out on the side ready to go… I just didn’t pick it up! 🤬😡 so angry at myself.

The difference is, if I was feeling ok it wouldn’t bother me, I’d just get over it.

But at the moment I feel super sensitive, overly emotional and pretty worthless. I hate feeling like this so much, I just wanna feel happy. It’s hard getting out of this negative funk 😔 but I’m trying hard.

I hate feeling so sensitive, every little thing cuts really deep and hurts a lot. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t seem to get a handle on it.

Just feel so vulnerable and exposed, it’s not a comfortable feeling. As I’m usually quite closed off. But I feel naked, like my heart is exposed for all to see. I can’t hide how I feel.

I feel like a lost child, who’s been left out in the wilderness to fend for himself. I’m terrified of my emotions, scared of feeling vulnerable, scared of feeling so deeply, scared of feeling happy because often with happiness come heartache.

I feel so fragile like a egg shell, the slightest knock will shatter me and I won’t be able to piece myself back together again.

Some people will saying feeling sensitive is a strength, but how comes I feel so weak?

I just want to feel happy

Peace

Zak