Transition update – 1 year on testosterone

I cannot believe that today I am 1 whole year on testosterone, its absolutely crazy!

I don’t really know what to write right now, but I felt like I needed to do a quick update.

So what’s changed? well I’m much hairier then I was lol, voice has changed a little bit, I sound more like my brother lol and my shoulders have look a bit different to me.  My chest has kinda deflated a bit, which is good and well there are some more intimate changes but I don’t feel comfortable at the moment talking/writing about that.

I’m really tired at the moment as I’ve been up since 6:30am and I’ve not slept well at all, so this blog post isn’t as good as I want it to be, as I’m not quite feeling connected with myself as I’m so tired.

I’m gonna try and write again soon.

1 year on T

^ Can’t believe I am 1 year on testosterone!

1yr on T comparrison

^ Comparison picture, pre T and 1 year on T

^ 1 year on T video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 41 on T

Its so strange how things can change for the better in a second. I’m feeling so much better then I have done over the past few months. My financial situation is finally sorted and I got a back payment. Its such a weight off my shoulders, I feel like I can breathe again.

I’ve not spent all the money yet and what I have bought so far has been an investment of sorts. I’ve booked a short holiday in Devon with a friend, I’m super excited as I’ve not been on holiday for about 10 years. I booked to see Eminem in July! with my best friend, we are super excited for this. I got myself a Nintendo switch, a tattoo session and a new hoover. I intend on doing an online course and get my passport sorted. So I feel its not been a waste, I’ve actually got stuff to show for it this time around. So I’m quite proud of myself, as I’m not the best with money lol! I’ve also paid off the people I owed money too, so that felt good.

So I feel right now that my mental health is much better then it was, I’ve had a few anxiety attacks but there’s been a real reason behind them and not just anxiety for no reason. I feel back to myself again, I can enjoy life again rather then just trying to survive. I’m looking forward to the future rather then dreading it. I’m 100% committed to moving forward and bettering myself, I don’t want to be stuck in this place forever. I feel like apart from the transition and coming out as trans, nothing else has really moved forward in the last 5 years or so and I feel now is the time to do something more worthwhile. I’m not going to dive into anything, just small steps, small changes and things will start moving.

Transition stuff is going ok, I had my fasting blood test this morning to check my T levels and then I had my injection. I’ve got to have another fasting blood test next week and then hopefully I’ll get the results before I go away. I’m still not 100% that my levels are right as the last 3 weeks my emotions have been all over the place and I’ve found it really hard to hold myself together. Part of it has been high stress levels but I also think some of it is hormonal as well. Its a waiting game and I realise it takes time to get theses things right and I know it will be an ongoing thing.

Gender dysphoria has been ok-ish and its been manageable. Some days its easier to deal with but other days its so much harder. It makes me feel anxious, agitated which makes me detach and disassociate. I intend on trying to ground myself daily in order to help me deal with the gender dysphoria and disassociation. I’ve been writing in my journal again and that’s helped me express how I feel daily and its been helpful to look back on it and reflect on how I’ve dealt with things and how I’ve been feeling. I also intend on looking after myself and my needs again properly as I’ve let the self care side slip a bit, so I have made a promise to myself to put myself first.

That’s all for now 🙂

Week 41 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 39 on T

I’ve been on testosterone for exactly 9 months today! Woohoo! Its gone so quickly, I can’t believe it. I’m so glad I started on this journey, I’m feeling more myself then ever before. It hasn’t made everything perfect and there’s still a long way to go yet, but I’m glad I honoured how I felt after all these years.

I’ve been struggling a bit this week with feeling disconnected, but I think its because I haven’t spent much time looking after myself and my needs. I haven’t spent much time connecting with myself and I haven’t meditated for a long time, its something I’m going to try and do more of as I know it helps and I always feel better for it.

My voice is still slowly changing as it the rest of my body, which is cool.

I don’t really have much else to say, as I’m so tired and feeling a bit low. I’m going to make some dinner and if the weather stays nice then I’m going to take the dogs out for a walk. Sitting by the sea always helps me feel connected and feel at peace

Week 39 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 38 on T

I don’t really have much to write today… I don’t really know what to write or even say.

Not feeling great today, am so stressed out with my whole benefits saga.. I hate having no money, I’m having to sell stuff just to get by and this week is no different.

This is all impacting on everything else, I’ve put on a stone in weight which makes me feel like shit! Which in turn is making the dysphoria worse because all the weights gone to my stomach and chest. I feel so fed up…. I have to keep pushing through but I’m so tired of forcing myself to get up every day and just fake it, its exhausting.

I’m over this is all… hopefully the money thing will be sorted soon-ish… but its not soon enough.

Oh I get my next testosterone shot tomorrow so that’s one thing to look forward too..

Week 38 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 37 on T

I’ve had a pretty good week this week, despite money still being tight and the uncertainty of being able to get through financially, I’m feeling fairly calm and quite positive.

The only changes really this week have been my voice is continuing to change which is really cool and still getting hairy everywhere. Tops of my thighs the hair is getting longer and darker and same with my chest and stomach. I’m fairly happy with my transition so far, my next testosterone injection is next Wednesday, so I’m looking forward to that as always.

I had a really good bank holiday weekend, I went to the beach with a friend where I was really brave. I spent the whole time sat in the vest top, binder and my boxers, because it was so hot I had to pretty much strip off, but I felt really confident and comfortable. No one said anything, no one was staring at me. It felt good to just be able to be myself and be comfortable sat out in the sun and enjoying it, rather then feeling anxious and uncomfortable.

So I’m super proud of myself for just accepting my body as it is and being able to just sit in my vest and boxers and being totally comfortable. Its definitely not something I would have done last summer.

I’ve made these steps by just doing them and not thinking to much about it. But I haven’t pushed myself, I’ve done these things like shaving, wearing my binder, wearing a vest top because they felt right and I felt good about it. I’ve not pushed myself at all, which is why I’ve been able to do these things with less stress and anxiety. Its also important to acknowledge these big steps and reward yourself and congratulate yourself. Its important to recognise the positive steps forward, so you have something to look back on when you’re struggling and when the gender dysphoria is bad.

It is possible to feel good about yourself and have gender dysphoria, there is hope!

Week 37 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 36 on T

Today I finally got around to doing a voice comparison video! woohoo! I’ve been meaning to do it for a while, but my throat has been really sore today, I keep having to clear my throat and my voice sounds a lot different, to me anyway it does. I can’t believe how different my voice sounds! Its so crazy but really cool.

Apart from my voice I’ve not really had any other changes, just getting more hairy and horny lol!

I’ve been quite busy and I haven’t really had much of a chance to sit and just be, which is cool but I haven’t really been able to check in with myself as much, as at the moment I’m always planning on how I’m going to get by money wise fortnight to fortnight. I’ve not really been able to be in the moment as much.

I’m still in the middle of sorting all my benefits stuff out… I gotta email some stuff off tonight and hopefully it won’t take too long for the charity I’m using to put together my MR for PIP. I want it over with now, its so stressful.

I’ve been getting a bit of dysphoria, but its not been too bad. Its been manageable, although I’ve figured that sometimes when I feel dizzy its because I’m disassociating. It makes me feel really weird, like I’m not real, everything else isn’t real… and then I feel dizzy and wobbly. When it happens I just try and focus on something, which isn’t always easy but it does help a bit.

Self care helps with the dysphoria, things I like to do are –

Napping, eating, binge watching tv, playing with my dogs, walking, housework, being with close friends, meditation, singing, listening to music…the list goes on.

Other self care includes making sure I’ve eaten decent meals, paid bills, that I’ve got enough money, taking my meds, housework, laundry..etc boring self care stuff but essential.

 

Week 36 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

^ Finally got around to doing a voice comparison video.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 33 on T

Another week on testosterone, its been such a long crazy week but its been s good one.

I’ve struggled to get through money wise, but I’ve been selling stuff. That’s slowed down now and I don’t have much left but I have food so hopefully be ok. This is a whole other issue… I’ll maybe write about it in a separate blog.

Despite having little money I had my haircut today as its been driving me insane. But I feel so much better after my haircut, feeling fresh! When I got home after my haircut, I sorted out my wild eyebrows, I swear testosterone has made them much thicker then before, so am always having to pluck and tame them. As I was looking in the mirror, I was looking at the fluff on my chin and moustache and the hair on my chin was looking really messy. I decided that I was going to have my first shave and so I just went and did it without thinking about it too much. It all went fine, I didn’t even cut myself which is always a bonus. Feels like a big milestone, it feels really good, I feel really good. It makes it all the more real I suppose.

I feel a bit sad that my dad wasn’t there to guide me through or to talk too about all this manly stuff. But I know he’s always with me. I know he’s proud of me and how far I’ve come.

I started this blog this afternoon…its now gone 10 pm and I’m only just getting around to finish it. This day has just flown by and I don’t feel like I’ve had the time to do anything. Or I’ve just got too many things to do and not enough time. Feels a bit overwhelming at the moment, haven’t really had much chance to have some quiet time and just sit.

Also I’m so tired, feeling a bit unemotional and a bit disconnected. I haven’t slept very well the last few nights as I’ve had a lot on my mind and my legs have been really achy at night.

I just need a good nights sleep and my inner child is screaming out to be looked after, he’s tired and cranky. I’ve been neglecting him and myself a little bit.

I realise its not so much ‘trans’ stuff in this blog but being trans and going through this transition is only a small part of my life. There is so much more to my life and me then this transition.

That’s enough from me, I need to start winding down for the night.

 

Week 33 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 30 on T

Another week on T, I think I’ve been on testosterone for about 7 and half months now which is cool.

I had my peak testosterone blood test this morning, hate the fasting ones! especially at the moment as I’m on a higher dose of steroids for my chest, so I’m so hungry all the time. I can’t wait to come off them again, I should be finished them by next Friday I think.

Feeling good, nothing much to report really with the physical transition. I sent my deed poll back yesterday! So really excited about that, can’t wait until its all sorted.

I got a new nephew on Sunday which is super exciting! He’s right lil chunk, 9lbs 3! I’m going to see him a bit later, can’t wait.

I’ve got such brain fog at the moment because of the steroids, I can’t really think straight. My heads all foggy, its so frustrating.

I’ve not really been up to much, I’ve just been trying to get better, as I’ve had a really bad chest infection. It finally seems to be shifting now, which is good.

I did a Tai Chi class yesterday, which was really cool. I really enjoyed it, definitely want to find one locally, if I have the confidence to join.

All transition stuff is going well, I can’t wait for my first consultation of top surgery in July, it can’t come soon enough. Its the only thing that’s really distressing and I want sorted like right now. I may look into how much it would cost privately and see if I’m eligible for a credit card… because the wait is just so long. Its something I’m going to look into and do some research.

That’s it for now.

Week 30 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 26 on T

Today I had my testosterone shot, I was meant to have it done at the doctors surgery but I got there and my appointment had been cancelled!! I was so angry as I didn’t sleep well last night and I was rushing around to get myself ready. So I stormed out and I was like whatever I’ll do it myself.

Luckily when I got home, I had enough of everything to do the injection myself. The receptionist said they’d rang me but they fucking didn’t or I would of have a missed call! So absolute bullshit! But whatever I’ve done the shot now which is the main thing.

I again haven’t noticed any changes but a few people in the last week have asked me if I have a sore throat but I don’t I just think its my voice changing, so that’s been pretty cool. But my ear is still blocked so I can’t really hear myself still, so I can’t really hear how I sound.

The thing I’ve noticed recently is that I can’t really control my anger, when I’m angry or frustrated it just comes out! I can’t hold in it, I can’t be polite to people. The rage just takes over, which isn’t great! But even with an awareness of if I still can’t seem to control it. I used to be able to control my anger and it used to take a lot to make me frustrated and angry but not since I started testosterone.

The only emotions I can really connect with at the moment is anger and depression, I don’t really feel anything else. I’m just so disconnected from myself and my emotions, which is a bit frustrating as I know I should be feeling things. An ex GF of mine from 7-8 years ago killed herself and I know I should be feeling sad but I don’t feel anything, just numb, nothing. Yes sometimes when people die you can go into shock and feel numb, but I feel like this a lot, so I know its not shock. Sometimes when I go outside I purposely go out without enough jumpers on so I feel the cold, so I can feel something!

I don’t really know how to fix it other then have an awareness of it. Maybe it will get better after top surgery… but it might not.

That’s all I really have to say this week, it feels good to have written everything down and got it all out.

^ Testosterone shot stuff 😀

Week 26 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 22 on T

I am 5 and a half months on testosterone but my voice hasn’t broken yet, it starts breaking the week of and after my testosterone shot but come the second week, my voice stops breaking and just sounds normal again. It’s super frustrating as my voice causes me some distress, I hate sounding so female. I think its because my T levels are too low, but I’ll find out the results of my bloods on Thursday and hopefully I can get my T levels more frequently then every 4 weeks.

Also with low T levels comes slow physical changes, which again is frustrating. The T should have started making my chest a big flatter by now, which is another area which causes me huge distress. I just try and ignore that area of my body the best I can, its not always easy but it makes it easier to deal with the distress.

Other then the low T levels and feeling frustrated, I’m feeling better then I was last month. I’m still getting bad anxiety but my mood is better then it was, which is cool. I’m feeling a bit more settled and clear headed then I was.

Week 22 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan